.

Lover,

I am sorry I am putting you through this again, but the silence is calling out for me. I am tired, exhausted and drained most of the time. I am sorry but I am unable of trying anymore. I just want to let go. I am not strong enough to hold on anymore. My bones are breaking under the heaviness of my being. I tried for you. I tried and tried and tried but I was never good enough and I will never be. I am vulnerable and weak, and I will only hold you back. Let me drown. Let me suffocate. My lungs are already filled with water and I am choking on the bubbles of your love. I don’t want you anymore. I don’t want them anymore. I don’t want me anymore. I want to disappear. I want the silence and the quietness of death. I don’t want to be afraid ever again. I don’t want to shiver whenever your arms aren’t around me. I don’t want to bite my tongue and chew on all the words I left unsaid. I want to be free. Let me be, or to be specific, Let me not be.
Yours,
D.

To my Future Daughter or my Current Self.

I am a woman,
That means I was taught shame before the alphabet.
I was told to hush more than I was allowed to speak up,
And to cover myself up and hide everytime I get a chance to rise and shine.
I remember my parents trying so hard to keep the little girl inside of me from being a woman who has her own feelings, thoughts and wants.
The first time I bled, I remember my mother telling me how I should act from now on like god dictated his ten commandments,
Girls like you should not laugh loud,
Girls like you should not speak up,
Girls like you should not look boys straight in the eye,
Girls like you should wait for her prince charming to come along and make a wife and a mom out of her.
But she forgot to tell me that girls like me have rights,
Girls like me are human beings,
Girls like me can change the world,
Girls like me are not baby makers, They create life in between their thighs,
Girls like me should not wait for some guy to come a long and make her a princess, I am born royal, I am a queen, I am life itself.
If I ever had a daughter I will teach her how to say No before yes,
How to feel beautiful without waiting for validation from some horny guy who doesn’t see beyond her skin,
How to want and how to walk away when things are not good enough for her,
How to feel whole and to not look for her missing pieces in someone else,
I will tell her what my mother didn’t tell me,
I will tell her that some boys will take pieces of her and run,
And leave her skin tainted with their lustful finger prints,
That some boys will look directly at her and only see a pair of boobs instead of seeing her giving heart,
And when they reach out to touch her, they won’t be reaching for her inner beauty,
But afterall, I will assure her that it is okay,
O
K
A
Y
it’s okay to fall in love with the wrong guys, people only learn by making mistakes,
it’s okay to lose some pieces to them, because the pieces she will get back will be better and stronger,
it’s okay to get her heart broken, and to love and lose, the heart is a muscle that needs training so it gets ready to love the right person with all the strength in her,
I will teach her how not to settle down for mediocre love, tasteless kisses and boring sex but always search for passion.
it’s okay to leave when you don’t find what you want.
Future daughter,
Here is a gentle reminder you can read over and over again whenever you are crying your heart over some guy,
It’s okay to cry.
It’s okay to lose.
It’s okay to get your heart broken.
Forgive him and forgive yourself and let go.
Never lose your self respect or hang around people who make you think less of yourself.
Fall in love with your flaws. Love your thick thighs, your skinny hands, your stretch marks and your small boobs.
You are not supposed to match any masturbating little boy fantasy,
You are more than just a body.
You are more than just a wife.
You are more than just a mom.
You are not someone’s daughter, or someone’s wife.
You are you.
Don’t let them define you by anything else.

Your Asshole kind of Lover

You ask if that’s blood that runs in my veins or ice cold poison,
I do not answer.
If you really knew me you would have known that nothing in me “runs”, I don’t have the energy for things like that.
My blood flows apathetically here and there, just because it has to.
You dedicated your entire time for things like “saving me” and “making me happy”, when all I wanted was for you to be there.
I never wanted you to light up my darkness, I simply wanted you to embrace it,
I never asked for you to pour yourself into my emptiness, for all I wished was for you to hold my hand and run with me across its vastness.
What’s the point of giving things to a person who doesn’t know how to receive?
Why do you keep trying to glue my pieces back together, then blame me when my shatters cut your lovely hands?
Someone should have taught you that when you see a beautifully broken piece of glass, you simply admire it from a distance,
But your butterfly shaped heart kept drawing you towards the faint flames of my burned ashes,
I am tired, love. so tired, and you keep pushing for a potential that I used to have but not anymore,
I wish you could just sit down silently for a moment and hold my hand without trying to mention that I am doing better,or that I am getting there,
What if I don’t want to do better, or even get there, I just want to sit still, I just wanted to sit still, with you.
But people like you can’t rest if they are not making the world a better place by their little small acts of kindness here and there,
And I am too proud to accept charity.
Matter of fact honey, I think your numerous attempts to save me or save the world are pathetic, yes, I am an asshole like that,
I think you are as empty as I am, but the difference between me and you, is that you can’t handle the silence echoing through your hollowness, so you always feel like you gotta carry the weight of the world upon your shoulders to keep you company.
You kiss me softly, I bite your lips,
you caress my skin, I bruise the initials of my former lovers down your spine,
You scream and call me “An egotistical piece of shit”,
I reply calmly and say Maybe I am,
You look at me, all teary and pathetic mumbling that I am hopeless and that you tried,
You storm out while I yell,
"Keep fighting your losing battles, fool;
If you didn’t know what happened to Jesus himself when he tried to save humanity,
Well, he died.”
You slam the door leaving my life forever,
while I whisper “And I want you around as long as possible.

Your Love is not a Sin

Did I mention that loving you is like coming home after years of wandering around?

After years of disappointments, heartbreaks and misfortune,
I finally felt like I can belong,
They say our love is a sin, but how come I only feel pure when I am in your presence?
How can I explain to them that collapsing in your arms is as holy as breaking down in a church or a mosque?
That you are not a sin, you are more of a prayer mumbled out of a saint’s lips at dawn,
A mantra chanted by a monk over and over again,
That your love is the Nirvana,
They won’t understand that I feel closer to god when you hold me tight, or how he spoke to me through the beats of your heart,
He bestowed his forgiveness upon me the moment I stripped naked and covered myself with your skin,
You whitened all the black that was eating me from within,
filled my emptiness by simply being there.
You have rearranged my atoms, you did something to me, now my DNA contains molecules of HA PP Y,
I was dead, broken into irrepairable pieces, barely breathing,
You came along,
sat down,
and glued me back together,
with patience and acceptance,
Now I am a whole new me,
Who is capable of giving love and recieving it back,
Thanks to you and your unconditional infinite love,
You are a Saviour.
You are my Saviour.
You brought my heart back to life,
You made me see colours again,
And I am sure your lips taste like wine,
How can they deny that this love is an act of god?
So, lover;
Stay holy,
Stay Divine,
And keep performing your miracles on that little heart of mine.

How can I write about anything else?

I cant believe you are still wondering why do I only write about you,
about us,
Well,
Lately, You are all that my heart has been beating about,
Lubs dubs in the shape of poems and haikus,
Beautiful rhymes flowing through my veins,
And for the first time my sweat doesn’t smell of loneliness and passive agression.
I think you have replaced all the iron in my blood cells with whatever kind element you are made of,
it’s the only justification why there is not a single atom of hard or rough left in me,
I am now softer than ever.
You taught me how being soft is the only way a person can avoid being broken,
You can’t break what is not even solid, you said,
then poured yourself in my hollowness,
and I finally realized how emptiness can hold a person down,
You set me free,
from me.
You were magic,
when I was all skulls and vodo.
You were faith,
when I couldn’t find my way.
You were salvation,
When I finally admitted I needed to be saved.
All I did before you come along was to scream and howl like Thunder,
You smiled at me, and BAAM, I discovered how much I was missing,
You weren’t just someone who introduced some light to my darkness,
I was a deserted sand castle on some far away beach, you hit me, and now I am a precious crystal.
You were Lightening.
You are lightening,
and I will follow you wherever you go like the perfect howl of Thunder does.
You will light up skies, and I will scream of love and admiration at the miracle of you.
We kiss, the sky opens and rain falls, shamefully, in front of how beautiful you are.
Together we rocked worlds.
So for the love of God, the love of You, and everything that is holy,
How can I write about anything else?

Things my mother should have told me

My heart has never known the taste of grace,
it pumps restlessness instead of blood through my viens.
I was never a girl who looks for her own peace of mind,
but always searched for wars in every soul I came across,
Craving only the kisses of lost boys with dead eyes,
swearing there is some hidden pot of goodness in them,
and always trying to fix what’s beyond repair.
I have lost every war I have entered willingly,
And came out with permenant damage.
Didn’t know that the only glue that can hold their broken pieces together was my own blood,
The only thing that can fill their emptiness was my entire being,
And even if I knew, I would still have bled myself dry.
I am hopeless like that.
My mother should have warned me about this kind of boys,
Boys who are like gasoline to the fire I carry within,
Whose touches never give me butterflies, but feels like grenades in my belly.
Boys I can’t say their names without stuttering,
Boys who push me to walls, whose kisses leave bruises that time just can’t wipe away,
Boys who are incapable of giving or recieving,
Whose eyes don’t sparkle,
Boys who feed my appetite for self destruction,
Who consume me,
then turn me,
into,
a sad little girl,
with dead eyes,
and a lost soul.
My mother should have told me,
That giving without recieving is not unconditional love. It’s suicide,
That I shouldn’t be with people who dim my light and push me to my darkest places,
That I can’t help people who don’t want to help themselves,
And that the first person I should always try to save,
is,
Me.

Memoirs of a heart that is entirely made of Water

I have always been an angry lover.
Never learned how to love calmly like a river,
and let my feelings flow patiently and constantly.
My love has always been overwhelming,
obssessive, and sometimes drowning.
I am stupid like a waterfall,
I pour myself fully into the first person who gives me the slightest bit of attention,
I shower him with love, maybe too much love sometimes,
till he gets sick of the heaviness of my high expectations I throw on his shoulders,
and leaves,
or till I have nothing left to give,
and he also leaves.
I had also tried loving like tap water,
to only flow when I am asked to,
to take the shape of whatever container I am in,
have no opinion and only do as I am told,
with the name of love,
Till I realized that those who strip me of my being,
and who I am,
Those who want to control how or where I flow,
Who underestimate me because I look runny and helpless,
Who don’t know that,
With determination and steadiness I can eat and erode the rock that their hearts are made of.
Are definetely not worthy of my love.
My last love was a Sea,
it flactuated between me flowing gently and kissing his feet softly,
and carrying him to wonderlands on the stream of my passion,
And raging waves that can swallow an entire city,
push him against walls,
break his ribs, bite instead of kissing,
hurt instead of healing,
and drown instead of saving.
I was unpredictable like that.
And I loved it.
I have been trying too hard for long to tame my fickle heart,
to be gentle,
To be a river
like the one Manuel Bandeira described in his poem,
That flows,
silent through the night,
not fearing the darkness and
reflecting any stars high in the sky,
Till I realized that it was not meant to be, Girls like me were never meant to be silent,
I was way more than just a river, a sea or even a waterfall,
My presence was too much to be contained in a single word,
I was the sip of water that can save a life,
but also the storm that can take a hundred lives.
I am the rain,
The Seas,
The Oceans,
and all the rivers combined.
I am a drop of water,
I am water,
70% of this universe,
what is holding it together,
I am the origin of every origin,
I am a woman,
I create life,
I am life,
I belong to no man and no city,
I will take whatever shape I want,
And flow wherever I please,
goddamit.