THE BIG, BIG BANG

Dear Friend,



you have been missed, missed like a traveller would miss his warm bed after a two year trip around the world. They say that there is no place like home, well for the past two months you have been home to me in every aspect. You reminded me of how it is to feel safe. How it is to feel like you belong to something. And now I'm back again to square one, which is in my bed in my case. It hit me in the face, how what I am feeling right now is a deja vu of a previous heart break, me walking up really early after a restless sleep, checking my phone to find zero missed calls from you, not even a text , nothing that might even let me know how did your night go, I could swear I almost felt my heart sighing inside of me.
But wait a minute! How come it's reminding me of a heart break when we are just umm .. friends ? Oh so here is where it went bad, you are just like fire my friend, you give warmness from a safe distance but when I got closer I got burnt, Yes here I am admitting it .. I got burnt and that's when I started to ruin it and take the defensive attitude, didn't know if I was trying to prove to myself or to you , that I won't be like all your other girls , those girls you used to tell me about, who got too close and that's when you took a step back, I got so scared I might be one of this flop sequel of your victims, I'm too proud to be a victim , I would die before you pity me , will I be one of the girls you tell your next " friend " about ? All of these thoughts in my head made me scared, yes I got scared, that's why the more I wanted you the more I pulled away, Whatever I wanted to say to you to I said to your friend, whenever I wanted to come see you I dared myself to not to, I was just protecting myself from you, because I knew that even if you protected me from the whole world , when it comes to you , you will simply step on me.
Maybe I'm sick as you told me a couple of days ago, and yes I agree, even emotinal scars can get infected if you don't look after them, and if you see my naked soul you will know how many scar I'm hiding under that heartless apathetic cloak I always wear.
And you are blaming me for making you feel less special ? Yes I admit I did so, but imagine that's how I always felt , that's how I always felt when you tell me about her, that's how I felt each time I wanted to come talk to you and I couldn't because she was there , I know , i know, before you say that I knew about her all along before we start any of this but it all hurt just the same.

it's all my fault. I am not blaming you, it's my bad I couldn't put my shit together and keep the safe distance , I crossed that red line between just wanting you and needing you, so here you go, I'll tell you what you and I already know, I think you are amazing, I just love everything about you ( except her, actually i despise her ) , I love how you always understand me, I love how you touch me , I love how you talk to me , I love how you teach me things , I love how weak I feel infront of you, the goddess in me is just a slave captivated by your presence, if i could have anyone in this entire world I'd choose you, yes you among anyone in this world, I wish I could experience how it feels to be yours, and let you know how would it feel to be mine so you could know the difference, I would put my entire world under your feet, and let you step on it whenever you want, I'll satisfy your ego , I'll do whatever you ask for , I can even begin to describe .. if only ..
but I know that won't happen .. but I miss you .. and I hate how things are now between us .. and i miss you .. I miss how we used to be .. I wish there was anything I can do so we can go back when it first started and get stuck in it for the rest of our lives. I don't want to lose you .. as much as I want you back , but you have to understand , I was scared of you , I knew that either I will end up with a broken heart , or a bruised ego. And obviously I chose my ego over my heart with the defensive little girl attitude that I was trying to protect myself with.. but I miss you .. so please if you could like .. come back .. forget all about what I did .. and start over .. as if we just met each other .. i miss you .. come back if you can .. or just give me a gesture that you still want us to be friends .. not this kind of friends we are now .. i mean friends .. like we used to be .. I miss you .. I wish I could just kidnap you and take you and leave this shitty life , you will never have to do anything .. I'll make you a star in my universe .. I wish you knew how much I love you .. I wish I didn't go crazy and ruin eveything between us .. I wish I stopped suspecting you and your intentions like I do with everyone .. but forgive me , my friend , my dignity is all I've got left. 


BR,
Your Friend
(That misses you )