Saturday, 16 June 2012
Friday, 15 June 2012
And The Harlot Fell In Love With The Nun
I just sat there, on the chair across the bed, watching the morning light reflecting on her naked body, with an ungranted wish inside of me that time would freeze , or for her to stay asleep for a longer period , I didn't want her to wake up and start questioning why she is naked on my bed, what happened and what didn't, and I would start lying and saying nothing happened , you just got too drunk while we were playing cards and I won and dared you to take off all your clothes and you did, then some time during the night you fainted on my bed.
When in fact everything happened, everything I ever wanted since the day I met her, I still remember the very first day I saw her, I could have swore that she is an angel without wings, her milky white skin, her breath taking smile, I didnt believe in love from the first sight until I met her, from the very first day I knew that she will be my most favorite person in all the people I knew, but I never thought I would ever look at her this way, want her that way, I mean this kind of love is frowned upon in all religions , in all civilisations and in all traditions , even in my own beliefs, but time changed everything.
We started as friends, just friends, but I wanted more, so we became best friends, then I kept wanting more, it's like I couldn't get enough of her , but what kind of 'more' can two girls have in a country when straight normal love between a man and a woman is forbidden if they are not married. And then again, even if I am okay with being damned , what about her? I didn't exaggregate when I said she is an angel, because she really is, all her life she has been walking a straight line and never drifted, she was my exact opposite, so obviously the cliche of "opposites attract" is correct afterall.
She represented everything that's white, and I was everything that's black. Her light could brighten a moon-less night, and my darkness could dim an August sun. She only does what's right, and I am made of wrongs and mistakes. So I knew it was impossible for what I had in mind to happen. I mean, I was no lesbian but she was irresistable to me, it's like I kept waiting for so long for something I didn't know what it is, and when she came along I knew, it was her.
My love for her was true and pure, so true and unconditional it didn't care about her gender, her religion or why we can't be. I fell in love with her soul, I fell in love with her purity and I wanted to make her the happiest person alive, I knew she loved me too, but of course not the way I loved her, her innocent pure heart cannot step to this twisted dark area even if deep down she wants to.
Days went by, and I kept growing fonder for her and my love grew bigger and more apathetic about why this is so wrong, it was so big that I started wanting to take whatever this is to the next level regardless what will happen afterwards, I finally asked her out, but of course I didn't say "would you go out on a date with me?" all I said that I want to take her out because she has been a very good friend lately and of course she innocently agreed. I took her to a French restaurant I knew she would love, because I knew how she likes everything that is french and everything that is classy , and she did love it, she loved the atmosphere so much , she loved the food and she loved everything about the place, while having desserts she looked at me and said that she loves me, I knew she meant it in innocent friendly way, but nothing was innocent or friendly about my " I love you too, baby girl " reply . Hours went by and the sweet talks kept flowing, until it was time to take her home and just before she leaves my car , she leaned and kissed me on the cheek and said that she loves me, at that point I gathered all my self control to not rape those yummy lips of hers and just said that I loved her too, and asked her what if she wants to go away with me for a couple of days and stay in this new resort we heard about in the weekend, she gladly welcomed the idea not knowing what I had in mind for her, not knowing how I wanna love her in some ways that can be against the law.
I won't be lying if I said that I was counting minutes not days till the weekend came, I wore a morning dress I specifically bought for this weekend with her, and that sexy perfume she loves, it will be me, her and the only man who never let me down, Jack Daniels.
We spent the day at the beach, I wore my sexiest bikini, I wanted her to look at my body, I wanted her to touch my naked skin and get used to the idea of seeing me almost naked in front of her and I got a bikini for her, at first she refused to wear it, and i knew this would happen, considering she is veiled and spent most of her life covered from head to toe and now I am asking her to walk around almost naked infront of everyone, I wanted to see her , I wanted to eye fuck every part of her, I wanted to touch her bare skin and I already took the decision that I will at any cost, I kept arguing with her saying that no one know us there, that she is her to let go and have fun, I poured some of the bottle of JD into her coke cup and told her to forget about everything , we are here to relax.
Eventually I convinced her and she put on the bathing suit , I let her walk in front of me, I wanted to check every part of her, and think of the ways I am gonna violate each and every untouched part of them tonight. As we took the shortcut to the beach, men were giving us those hungry looks that had always disgusted me more than anything else and women were rolling their eyes so I knew we looked so good, but wait a minute, Why the fuck they are looking at her? She is mine, I regreted talking her into this bikini before we even reach the beach, no one is allowed to touch her or look at her but me. I tried to get over my jealousy so she doesn't notice anything. We finally reached the beach, we laid there next to each other on the sand, talking and laughing , and after her third drink I started noticing the she is getting more and more relaxed and uhmm .. drunk is the word yes. And if you think I am getting her drunk to make my job a lot easier to make her agree to that bad bad thing in my mind, you are completly right. Another hour went by with us talking and drinking, as she reached for her 12th drink , I held her hand and told her "Baby girl, I guess that's enough for you" "Why? It feels so good, and the more I drink the more I want more" " Because you are getting drunk Angel, that's why" I said with a wide smile on my face because of how cute she is "And why aren't you drinking, Angel" " Because I had enough, and Angel? I am no angel baby girl, just you" " No, you are" she mumbled in her drunk voice.
Oh, bless your heart baby girl, the only angel I can be is Lucifer. If only you know what I have in mind for you, and I didn't need to drink, I was already drunk on you. The sun started to set, so I told her we should get back to the hotel to change. We walked our way back to the hotel with my hands around her shoulders and her body pressed against mine, she had way too much drinks to be able to walk on her own and I enjoyed holding her in my arms infront of everyone, I wish I could do so everyday from now on till the day I die, I really loved her and I didn't wanna fuck her, I just wanted to get intimate with her, I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to give her soul orgasms not just sexual orgasms, I wanted to give her the world. she cut my train of thoughts by a kiss she was trying to print on my cheeks but her drunk body failed her and ended up kissing me on my neck. Her kiss set fire to my half drunk body , I couldn't help it but move my hands up and down her back, kissed her forehead, and started walking faster back to the hotel, I wanted her and I WILL have her NOW.
We finally reached the hotel, I almost dragged her into the elevator because of how drunk she was, our room was in the tenth floor,while we are going up, in the second floor exactly, she looked at me with her wide brown eyes and smiled and said that she loves me, I couldn't resist that angelic beauty anymore, I leaned and snuck a kiss off those virgin lips of her, she was too drunk to think to know how to react, and I didn't wait for her to react, I pushed her to the wall and started eating her lips, she tasted better than chocolate and strawberries, I couldn't make myself stop, I was so hungry for her, I craved her so many nights and now she is right here, between my hands, she surrendered her drunken virgin body of her in my hands, I held her hands and guide her to our room after the elevator's door opens, we finally reached our room, I slammed the door shut with the " Don't Disturb" sign on. I didn't want anyone to disturb me while I am in heaven, she sat on the bed, with her eyes looking at me wondering what's next and her sense of right and wrong is drunk thanks to my one and only Jack Daniels, I walked towards her took off the little dress she was wearing over her bikini, and took off that bikini as well, she wasn't resisting but she wasn't doing anything as well, it's like she was there as a third person, watching me seeing and touching what no body has ever seen or touched, I laid her on her back on her bed and laid on top of her, I started kissing her again , her lips were smooth and glossy like a clementine, I took my clothes off , I wanted to feel connected to her in ever possible way, I moved from kissing her lips to her neck, and as I move down , I could hear her breathing getting higher, until she released her very first moan, that drove me crazy, I kissed every inch of her body, I went down on her and done things I never imagined myself doing. I don't know for how long I kept messing with her sweet innocent body but her orgasmic screams always told me that I've done a great job. And after everytime she comes, I remember that soon enough she will sober up and this might be the last time I touch her again, so I start all over again, Until it was almost midnight, we showered together, Just me and her, standing under a hot stream of water, with her breasts pressed against mine, and my arms around her, I just stole a kiss every now and then, she looked so tired and of course she should be, I've been playing with her angelic body for the past 4 hours at least. Once I took her to bed after the shower, she fell asleep immediatly between my arms. I reached over to my pack of cigarettes and lit one, guilt started to kick in, Oh Shit! What have I done? Was I that selfish to scar an innocent heart like hers with such an experience, She will never forgive herself or even worse she will lose her self respect, I know how she will feels, I felt that exactly after the first guy who messed with my untouched body and then walked away a year later, leaving me feeling as cheap as a 10$ whore, but .. I love her and I really didn't do so because of anything sexual, I just wanted to feel connected to her on a higher level. I felt so disgusted from myself, What makes me different now from all the men that always wanted to fuck me and take our relationship to "the next level" and leave after they get bored or even worse men who dump me when I say no to that so called next level. I hated myself so much, I slipped away from her arms and put my clothes on, of course I won't leave but I didn't want her to wake up to find herself in such position, I didn't want her to feel the shame I always felt right after a man finds his way with me. I sat on the chair across the bed all night long, I smoked two packs of cigarettes while praying to that God I lost faith in long ago, if he exists to make the alcohol powerful enough to make baby girl forget whatever happened tonight, not for me, I know I am a sinner and you gave up on me long ago, but for her, that innocent angel that all her fault that a damned person like me loved her, I didn't want her to remember, I didn't want to stain her milky white innocence with my tar black actions. I stared at her for hours and hours until the morning sun came up, oh , here she opened her eyes, for a fragment of a second she didn't know where she is, and then she realized that she is naked, She looked at me wondering why she is naked in my bed as I expected. I faked a laugh and said "baby girl you got so drunk yesterday and when I dared you to take off all your clothes you did!" Signs of relief showed on her face and she smiled and said " I had the wierdest dream" " I hope it was a wet one" " it was, and it was about you, we must stop hanging out so much because obviously my subconscious is turning lesbian because of you" I threw her clothes at her while saying " Hahahaha, if you are up for it you know I'm ready" she laughed as usual and told me her usual " Shut up " that she says whenever she gets shy.
She left to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the drive back home, and I stared to myself at the mirror while I was brushing my hair, not sure if I am thankful because she didn't remember and she won't hate me or herself, or bitter because , again, one more time, I had to give up something I love , something that made me happy and hopeful, I wanted to go all over the world with her, kiss her in everytime zone and spend the rest of my life trying to make her the second happiest girl in the world, because definitely the most happy girl will be me because I am with her. But deep down I was relieved she didn't remember, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hurt her even if on an emotional level. I love her so much, but I have to let her live normally. I need to step away before she remembers anything and hates me, I have to walk away. I will miss her, but I love her enough to let her go.
When in fact everything happened, everything I ever wanted since the day I met her, I still remember the very first day I saw her, I could have swore that she is an angel without wings, her milky white skin, her breath taking smile, I didnt believe in love from the first sight until I met her, from the very first day I knew that she will be my most favorite person in all the people I knew, but I never thought I would ever look at her this way, want her that way, I mean this kind of love is frowned upon in all religions , in all civilisations and in all traditions , even in my own beliefs, but time changed everything.
We started as friends, just friends, but I wanted more, so we became best friends, then I kept wanting more, it's like I couldn't get enough of her , but what kind of 'more' can two girls have in a country when straight normal love between a man and a woman is forbidden if they are not married. And then again, even if I am okay with being damned , what about her? I didn't exaggregate when I said she is an angel, because she really is, all her life she has been walking a straight line and never drifted, she was my exact opposite, so obviously the cliche of "opposites attract" is correct afterall.
She represented everything that's white, and I was everything that's black. Her light could brighten a moon-less night, and my darkness could dim an August sun. She only does what's right, and I am made of wrongs and mistakes. So I knew it was impossible for what I had in mind to happen. I mean, I was no lesbian but she was irresistable to me, it's like I kept waiting for so long for something I didn't know what it is, and when she came along I knew, it was her.
My love for her was true and pure, so true and unconditional it didn't care about her gender, her religion or why we can't be. I fell in love with her soul, I fell in love with her purity and I wanted to make her the happiest person alive, I knew she loved me too, but of course not the way I loved her, her innocent pure heart cannot step to this twisted dark area even if deep down she wants to.
Days went by, and I kept growing fonder for her and my love grew bigger and more apathetic about why this is so wrong, it was so big that I started wanting to take whatever this is to the next level regardless what will happen afterwards, I finally asked her out, but of course I didn't say "would you go out on a date with me?" all I said that I want to take her out because she has been a very good friend lately and of course she innocently agreed. I took her to a French restaurant I knew she would love, because I knew how she likes everything that is french and everything that is classy , and she did love it, she loved the atmosphere so much , she loved the food and she loved everything about the place, while having desserts she looked at me and said that she loves me, I knew she meant it in innocent friendly way, but nothing was innocent or friendly about my " I love you too, baby girl " reply . Hours went by and the sweet talks kept flowing, until it was time to take her home and just before she leaves my car , she leaned and kissed me on the cheek and said that she loves me, at that point I gathered all my self control to not rape those yummy lips of hers and just said that I loved her too, and asked her what if she wants to go away with me for a couple of days and stay in this new resort we heard about in the weekend, she gladly welcomed the idea not knowing what I had in mind for her, not knowing how I wanna love her in some ways that can be against the law.
I won't be lying if I said that I was counting minutes not days till the weekend came, I wore a morning dress I specifically bought for this weekend with her, and that sexy perfume she loves, it will be me, her and the only man who never let me down, Jack Daniels.
We spent the day at the beach, I wore my sexiest bikini, I wanted her to look at my body, I wanted her to touch my naked skin and get used to the idea of seeing me almost naked in front of her and I got a bikini for her, at first she refused to wear it, and i knew this would happen, considering she is veiled and spent most of her life covered from head to toe and now I am asking her to walk around almost naked infront of everyone, I wanted to see her , I wanted to eye fuck every part of her, I wanted to touch her bare skin and I already took the decision that I will at any cost, I kept arguing with her saying that no one know us there, that she is her to let go and have fun, I poured some of the bottle of JD into her coke cup and told her to forget about everything , we are here to relax.
Eventually I convinced her and she put on the bathing suit , I let her walk in front of me, I wanted to check every part of her, and think of the ways I am gonna violate each and every untouched part of them tonight. As we took the shortcut to the beach, men were giving us those hungry looks that had always disgusted me more than anything else and women were rolling their eyes so I knew we looked so good, but wait a minute, Why the fuck they are looking at her? She is mine, I regreted talking her into this bikini before we even reach the beach, no one is allowed to touch her or look at her but me. I tried to get over my jealousy so she doesn't notice anything. We finally reached the beach, we laid there next to each other on the sand, talking and laughing , and after her third drink I started noticing the she is getting more and more relaxed and uhmm .. drunk is the word yes. And if you think I am getting her drunk to make my job a lot easier to make her agree to that bad bad thing in my mind, you are completly right. Another hour went by with us talking and drinking, as she reached for her 12th drink , I held her hand and told her "Baby girl, I guess that's enough for you" "Why? It feels so good, and the more I drink the more I want more" " Because you are getting drunk Angel, that's why" I said with a wide smile on my face because of how cute she is "And why aren't you drinking, Angel" " Because I had enough, and Angel? I am no angel baby girl, just you" " No, you are" she mumbled in her drunk voice.
Oh, bless your heart baby girl, the only angel I can be is Lucifer. If only you know what I have in mind for you, and I didn't need to drink, I was already drunk on you. The sun started to set, so I told her we should get back to the hotel to change. We walked our way back to the hotel with my hands around her shoulders and her body pressed against mine, she had way too much drinks to be able to walk on her own and I enjoyed holding her in my arms infront of everyone, I wish I could do so everyday from now on till the day I die, I really loved her and I didn't wanna fuck her, I just wanted to get intimate with her, I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to give her soul orgasms not just sexual orgasms, I wanted to give her the world. she cut my train of thoughts by a kiss she was trying to print on my cheeks but her drunk body failed her and ended up kissing me on my neck. Her kiss set fire to my half drunk body , I couldn't help it but move my hands up and down her back, kissed her forehead, and started walking faster back to the hotel, I wanted her and I WILL have her NOW.
We finally reached the hotel, I almost dragged her into the elevator because of how drunk she was, our room was in the tenth floor,while we are going up, in the second floor exactly, she looked at me with her wide brown eyes and smiled and said that she loves me, I couldn't resist that angelic beauty anymore, I leaned and snuck a kiss off those virgin lips of her, she was too drunk to think to know how to react, and I didn't wait for her to react, I pushed her to the wall and started eating her lips, she tasted better than chocolate and strawberries, I couldn't make myself stop, I was so hungry for her, I craved her so many nights and now she is right here, between my hands, she surrendered her drunken virgin body of her in my hands, I held her hands and guide her to our room after the elevator's door opens, we finally reached our room, I slammed the door shut with the " Don't Disturb" sign on. I didn't want anyone to disturb me while I am in heaven, she sat on the bed, with her eyes looking at me wondering what's next and her sense of right and wrong is drunk thanks to my one and only Jack Daniels, I walked towards her took off the little dress she was wearing over her bikini, and took off that bikini as well, she wasn't resisting but she wasn't doing anything as well, it's like she was there as a third person, watching me seeing and touching what no body has ever seen or touched, I laid her on her back on her bed and laid on top of her, I started kissing her again , her lips were smooth and glossy like a clementine, I took my clothes off , I wanted to feel connected to her in ever possible way, I moved from kissing her lips to her neck, and as I move down , I could hear her breathing getting higher, until she released her very first moan, that drove me crazy, I kissed every inch of her body, I went down on her and done things I never imagined myself doing. I don't know for how long I kept messing with her sweet innocent body but her orgasmic screams always told me that I've done a great job. And after everytime she comes, I remember that soon enough she will sober up and this might be the last time I touch her again, so I start all over again, Until it was almost midnight, we showered together, Just me and her, standing under a hot stream of water, with her breasts pressed against mine, and my arms around her, I just stole a kiss every now and then, she looked so tired and of course she should be, I've been playing with her angelic body for the past 4 hours at least. Once I took her to bed after the shower, she fell asleep immediatly between my arms. I reached over to my pack of cigarettes and lit one, guilt started to kick in, Oh Shit! What have I done? Was I that selfish to scar an innocent heart like hers with such an experience, She will never forgive herself or even worse she will lose her self respect, I know how she will feels, I felt that exactly after the first guy who messed with my untouched body and then walked away a year later, leaving me feeling as cheap as a 10$ whore, but .. I love her and I really didn't do so because of anything sexual, I just wanted to feel connected to her on a higher level. I felt so disgusted from myself, What makes me different now from all the men that always wanted to fuck me and take our relationship to "the next level" and leave after they get bored or even worse men who dump me when I say no to that so called next level. I hated myself so much, I slipped away from her arms and put my clothes on, of course I won't leave but I didn't want her to wake up to find herself in such position, I didn't want her to feel the shame I always felt right after a man finds his way with me. I sat on the chair across the bed all night long, I smoked two packs of cigarettes while praying to that God I lost faith in long ago, if he exists to make the alcohol powerful enough to make baby girl forget whatever happened tonight, not for me, I know I am a sinner and you gave up on me long ago, but for her, that innocent angel that all her fault that a damned person like me loved her, I didn't want her to remember, I didn't want to stain her milky white innocence with my tar black actions. I stared at her for hours and hours until the morning sun came up, oh , here she opened her eyes, for a fragment of a second she didn't know where she is, and then she realized that she is naked, She looked at me wondering why she is naked in my bed as I expected. I faked a laugh and said "baby girl you got so drunk yesterday and when I dared you to take off all your clothes you did!" Signs of relief showed on her face and she smiled and said " I had the wierdest dream" " I hope it was a wet one" " it was, and it was about you, we must stop hanging out so much because obviously my subconscious is turning lesbian because of you" I threw her clothes at her while saying " Hahahaha, if you are up for it you know I'm ready" she laughed as usual and told me her usual " Shut up " that she says whenever she gets shy.
She left to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the drive back home, and I stared to myself at the mirror while I was brushing my hair, not sure if I am thankful because she didn't remember and she won't hate me or herself, or bitter because , again, one more time, I had to give up something I love , something that made me happy and hopeful, I wanted to go all over the world with her, kiss her in everytime zone and spend the rest of my life trying to make her the second happiest girl in the world, because definitely the most happy girl will be me because I am with her. But deep down I was relieved she didn't remember, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hurt her even if on an emotional level. I love her so much, but I have to let her live normally. I need to step away before she remembers anything and hates me, I have to walk away. I will miss her, but I love her enough to let her go.
Saturday, 21 April 2012
THE BIG, BIG BANG
Dear Friend,
you have been missed, missed like a traveller would miss his warm bed after a two year trip around the world. They say that there is no place like home, well for the past two months you have been home to me in every aspect. You reminded me of how it is to feel safe. How it is to feel like you belong to something. And now I'm back again to square one, which is in my bed in my case. It hit me in the face, how what I am feeling right now is a deja vu of a previous heart break, me walking up really early after a restless sleep, checking my phone to find zero missed calls from you, not even a text , nothing that might even let me know how did your night go, I could swear I almost felt my heart sighing inside of me.
But wait a minute! How come it's reminding me of a heart break when we are just umm .. friends ? Oh so here is where it went bad, you are just like fire my friend, you give warmness from a safe distance but when I got closer I got burnt, Yes here I am admitting it .. I got burnt and that's when I started to ruin it and take the defensive attitude, didn't know if I was trying to prove to myself or to you , that I won't be like all your other girls , those girls you used to tell me about, who got too close and that's when you took a step back, I got so scared I might be one of this flop sequel of your victims, I'm too proud to be a victim , I would die before you pity me , will I be one of the girls you tell your next " friend " about ? All of these thoughts in my head made me scared, yes I got scared, that's why the more I wanted you the more I pulled away, Whatever I wanted to say to you to I said to your friend, whenever I wanted to come see you I dared myself to not to, I was just protecting myself from you, because I knew that even if you protected me from the whole world , when it comes to you , you will simply step on me.
Maybe I'm sick as you told me a couple of days ago, and yes I agree, even emotinal scars can get infected if you don't look after them, and if you see my naked soul you will know how many scar I'm hiding under that heartless apathetic cloak I always wear.
And you are blaming me for making you feel less special ? Yes I admit I did so, but imagine that's how I always felt , that's how I always felt when you tell me about her, that's how I felt each time I wanted to come talk to you and I couldn't because she was there , I know , i know, before you say that I knew about her all along before we start any of this but it all hurt just the same.
it's all my fault. I am not blaming you, it's my bad I couldn't put my shit together and keep the safe distance , I crossed that red line between just wanting you and needing you, so here you go, I'll tell you what you and I already know, I think you are amazing, I just love everything about you ( except her, actually i despise her ) , I love how you always understand me, I love how you touch me , I love how you talk to me , I love how you teach me things , I love how weak I feel infront of you, the goddess in me is just a slave captivated by your presence, if i could have anyone in this entire world I'd choose you, yes you among anyone in this world, I wish I could experience how it feels to be yours, and let you know how would it feel to be mine so you could know the difference, I would put my entire world under your feet, and let you step on it whenever you want, I'll satisfy your ego , I'll do whatever you ask for , I can even begin to describe .. if only ..
but I know that won't happen .. but I miss you .. and I hate how things are now between us .. and i miss you .. I miss how we used to be .. I wish there was anything I can do so we can go back when it first started and get stuck in it for the rest of our lives. I don't want to lose you .. as much as I want you back , but you have to understand , I was scared of you , I knew that either I will end up with a broken heart , or a bruised ego. And obviously I chose my ego over my heart with the defensive little girl attitude that I was trying to protect myself with.. but I miss you .. so please if you could like .. come back .. forget all about what I did .. and start over .. as if we just met each other .. i miss you .. come back if you can .. or just give me a gesture that you still want us to be friends .. not this kind of friends we are now .. i mean friends .. like we used to be .. I miss you .. I wish I could just kidnap you and take you and leave this shitty life , you will never have to do anything .. I'll make you a star in my universe .. I wish you knew how much I love you .. I wish I didn't go crazy and ruin eveything between us .. I wish I stopped suspecting you and your intentions like I do with everyone .. but forgive me , my friend , my dignity is all I've got left.
BR,
Your Friend
(That misses you )
you have been missed, missed like a traveller would miss his warm bed after a two year trip around the world. They say that there is no place like home, well for the past two months you have been home to me in every aspect. You reminded me of how it is to feel safe. How it is to feel like you belong to something. And now I'm back again to square one, which is in my bed in my case. It hit me in the face, how what I am feeling right now is a deja vu of a previous heart break, me walking up really early after a restless sleep, checking my phone to find zero missed calls from you, not even a text , nothing that might even let me know how did your night go, I could swear I almost felt my heart sighing inside of me.
But wait a minute! How come it's reminding me of a heart break when we are just umm .. friends ? Oh so here is where it went bad, you are just like fire my friend, you give warmness from a safe distance but when I got closer I got burnt, Yes here I am admitting it .. I got burnt and that's when I started to ruin it and take the defensive attitude, didn't know if I was trying to prove to myself or to you , that I won't be like all your other girls , those girls you used to tell me about, who got too close and that's when you took a step back, I got so scared I might be one of this flop sequel of your victims, I'm too proud to be a victim , I would die before you pity me , will I be one of the girls you tell your next " friend " about ? All of these thoughts in my head made me scared, yes I got scared, that's why the more I wanted you the more I pulled away, Whatever I wanted to say to you to I said to your friend, whenever I wanted to come see you I dared myself to not to, I was just protecting myself from you, because I knew that even if you protected me from the whole world , when it comes to you , you will simply step on me.
Maybe I'm sick as you told me a couple of days ago, and yes I agree, even emotinal scars can get infected if you don't look after them, and if you see my naked soul you will know how many scar I'm hiding under that heartless apathetic cloak I always wear.
And you are blaming me for making you feel less special ? Yes I admit I did so, but imagine that's how I always felt , that's how I always felt when you tell me about her, that's how I felt each time I wanted to come talk to you and I couldn't because she was there , I know , i know, before you say that I knew about her all along before we start any of this but it all hurt just the same.
it's all my fault. I am not blaming you, it's my bad I couldn't put my shit together and keep the safe distance , I crossed that red line between just wanting you and needing you, so here you go, I'll tell you what you and I already know, I think you are amazing, I just love everything about you ( except her, actually i despise her ) , I love how you always understand me, I love how you touch me , I love how you talk to me , I love how you teach me things , I love how weak I feel infront of you, the goddess in me is just a slave captivated by your presence, if i could have anyone in this entire world I'd choose you, yes you among anyone in this world, I wish I could experience how it feels to be yours, and let you know how would it feel to be mine so you could know the difference, I would put my entire world under your feet, and let you step on it whenever you want, I'll satisfy your ego , I'll do whatever you ask for , I can even begin to describe .. if only ..
but I know that won't happen .. but I miss you .. and I hate how things are now between us .. and i miss you .. I miss how we used to be .. I wish there was anything I can do so we can go back when it first started and get stuck in it for the rest of our lives. I don't want to lose you .. as much as I want you back , but you have to understand , I was scared of you , I knew that either I will end up with a broken heart , or a bruised ego. And obviously I chose my ego over my heart with the defensive little girl attitude that I was trying to protect myself with.. but I miss you .. so please if you could like .. come back .. forget all about what I did .. and start over .. as if we just met each other .. i miss you .. come back if you can .. or just give me a gesture that you still want us to be friends .. not this kind of friends we are now .. i mean friends .. like we used to be .. I miss you .. I wish I could just kidnap you and take you and leave this shitty life , you will never have to do anything .. I'll make you a star in my universe .. I wish you knew how much I love you .. I wish I didn't go crazy and ruin eveything between us .. I wish I stopped suspecting you and your intentions like I do with everyone .. but forgive me , my friend , my dignity is all I've got left.
BR,
Your Friend
(That misses you )
Friday, 20 April 2012
Life as I see it
If I had full control on my life and how I wanted it to be, It'd be me living Europe, preferably in Paris or Rome, where I own a little restaurant with a 50s theme , pictures of Edith Piaf, Marylin Monrie, Frank Sinatra, Ingrid Bergman, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Lauren and all of these amazing artist from this era will be all over the wall, the restaurant only plays either old songs and vey few of the recent indie songs.
I'd be in love, madly irreversibly in love, with that guy I fell in love with from the very first sight and he knew he only wants to kiss me , only me for the rest of his life. We live in a cozy apartment , with wooden floors, with very few furniture and some cozy rugs on the floor, because I love space and hate stuffing any room with useless pieces of extra furniture, so in our living room, it was just a sofa, a TV and a little table in the middle. My sweetheart hated extra furniture too because he loved chasing me all around the place and do the nasty nasty in every corner of the room, then after we drown in sweet love on the floor of our living room, I manage to escape his hands and go to our bedroom, with the huge bed in the middle and pictures of both of us all over the walls of the room, my darling believed that we need to capture every sweet memory so in the rough times we just look at these pictures and they will immediatly take us back to that sweet moment , and he was right, my darling is always right, one day we were behind in paying rent and had a really bad week at the restaurant , both of us were tired and weary from life's responsiblities , lying in bed each of us facing a different side , I look at the wall to find this time i took his pictures while he was shaving topless and it immediatly took me back to that day when he took the camera away from my hand and kissed me and got shaving cream all over me, I found myself smiling and turning on my other side to face him and hugged him real tight and told him how much i love him , through the thick and thin, I will always love him and be there for him, he looked at me and said that it only annoys him that he cannot afford to give me the life a princess like me deserves, i hug him and say enough with the drama sweet love, How about we fuck the misery away ? He laughes and say; How I love my naughty bad bad princess! I reply with a naughty smile; She won't love you if you keep her waiting.
That's how I wish my life was, a job I love, little money and lots of love, sex and laughter
I'd be in love, madly irreversibly in love, with that guy I fell in love with from the very first sight and he knew he only wants to kiss me , only me for the rest of his life. We live in a cozy apartment , with wooden floors, with very few furniture and some cozy rugs on the floor, because I love space and hate stuffing any room with useless pieces of extra furniture, so in our living room, it was just a sofa, a TV and a little table in the middle. My sweetheart hated extra furniture too because he loved chasing me all around the place and do the nasty nasty in every corner of the room, then after we drown in sweet love on the floor of our living room, I manage to escape his hands and go to our bedroom, with the huge bed in the middle and pictures of both of us all over the walls of the room, my darling believed that we need to capture every sweet memory so in the rough times we just look at these pictures and they will immediatly take us back to that sweet moment , and he was right, my darling is always right, one day we were behind in paying rent and had a really bad week at the restaurant , both of us were tired and weary from life's responsiblities , lying in bed each of us facing a different side , I look at the wall to find this time i took his pictures while he was shaving topless and it immediatly took me back to that day when he took the camera away from my hand and kissed me and got shaving cream all over me, I found myself smiling and turning on my other side to face him and hugged him real tight and told him how much i love him , through the thick and thin, I will always love him and be there for him, he looked at me and said that it only annoys him that he cannot afford to give me the life a princess like me deserves, i hug him and say enough with the drama sweet love, How about we fuck the misery away ? He laughes and say; How I love my naughty bad bad princess! I reply with a naughty smile; She won't love you if you keep her waiting.
That's how I wish my life was, a job I love, little money and lots of love, sex and laughter
Thursday, 19 April 2012
The Jerk by Jeffrey McDaniel
This is my all time favorite poem ,kind of remind me of someone, I though I'd share it with you:
Hey you , dragging the halo
How about a holiday in the islands of grief?
Tongue is the word I wish to have with you.
Your eyes are so blue they leak.
Your legs are longer than a prisoner's last night on death row.
I'm filthier than a coal miner's bathtub,
and nastier than the breath of Charles Bukowski.
You're a dirty little windsheild
I'm standing behind you on the subway,
hard as calculus, my breath be sticking on your neck like graffiti.
I'm standing opposite to you in the bar,
waiting for you to uncross your boundaries.
I want to rip off your logic,
and make passionate sense to you.
I want to ride in the swing of your lips.
My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech.
But with me for a lover, you won't need catastrophes,
What attracted me in the first place will ultimately make me resent you.
I'll start telling you lies,
and my lies will sparkle,
become the bad stars you chart your life by.
I'll stare at other women so blatantly,
you will hear my eyes peeling.
Because sex with you is like Great Britain:
Cold, groggy and a little uptight.
Your bed is a big, soft calculator,
where my problems multiply.
Your brain is a garage,
I park my bullshit in, for free.
You are not really my new girlfriend,
Just another flop sequel of the first one,
who was based on the true story of my mother.
You are so ugly I forgot how to spell.
You're the 'this' we need to put an end to,
The more you apologize, the less I forgive you.
So how about it?
Hey you , dragging the halo
How about a holiday in the islands of grief?
Tongue is the word I wish to have with you.
Your eyes are so blue they leak.
Your legs are longer than a prisoner's last night on death row.
I'm filthier than a coal miner's bathtub,
and nastier than the breath of Charles Bukowski.
You're a dirty little windsheild
I'm standing behind you on the subway,
hard as calculus, my breath be sticking on your neck like graffiti.
I'm standing opposite to you in the bar,
waiting for you to uncross your boundaries.
I want to rip off your logic,
and make passionate sense to you.
I want to ride in the swing of your lips.
My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech.
But with me for a lover, you won't need catastrophes,
What attracted me in the first place will ultimately make me resent you.
I'll start telling you lies,
and my lies will sparkle,
become the bad stars you chart your life by.
I'll stare at other women so blatantly,
you will hear my eyes peeling.
Because sex with you is like Great Britain:
Cold, groggy and a little uptight.
Your bed is a big, soft calculator,
where my problems multiply.
Your brain is a garage,
I park my bullshit in, for free.
You are not really my new girlfriend,
Just another flop sequel of the first one,
who was based on the true story of my mother.
You are so ugly I forgot how to spell.
You're the 'this' we need to put an end to,
The more you apologize, the less I forgive you.
So how about it?
The Positive Side Of Addiction
" I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He has taken full control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise "
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