For You.

If I talk real slowly, if I try real hard, to make my point dear, that you have my heart. So here I go, I'll tell you what you already know;

I love you, now and forever, and since the day my heart knew what love is,
not just since eighty-two days ago,
Most of the times I'm mad at myself because it took me almost twenty three years to find you,
And I wonder, What if,
What If I met you before you met them, those who left permenant scars on your beautiful little heart, those who let you down and pushed away when you opened your arms with love,
it would have saved you a lot of the heartache you went through, Although I know for a fact that this glow of sadness in your eyes only made you prettier,
I'm Sorry dear, I'm sorry for it took me so long to find you, but I promise I'll make it up for you,
For eighty-two times, I apologize for all what happened before I come along,
For eighty-two times, I apologize for what might happen from me, in advance,
For eighty-two times, I will kiss the middle left of your chest, hoping if I believed and wished hard enough, those kisses will find their way to that beating organ that thinks of quitting its job eighty-two times a day,
For eighty-two nights, I'll hug you to sleep and be your dream catcher to bring only happy thoughts to your subconscious,
For eighty-two times, I want to tell you that,

All I know is that you are so nice, you are the nicest thing I've seen;

You are the cutest thing I've seen,
You are the kindest heart I've came across,
You the purest soul that touched me from day one,
Make me your mirror, and I promise you that I'll do my best to not be like your previous mirrors,
I will do my best so I won't break and make you cut yourself while your are trying to put the shatters of me and you together,
I promise that I'll do my best so I'd only reflect beauty, and inner peace,
Make a home out of my heart, so whenever you break down, you will feel how it clenches in my chest and aches for your own wounds,
I want you to be inside of it when it clenches with ache, so it'd give you one heart warming - literally- hug and protect you from whatever is upsetting you,
Then you can take a walk in my chest, so whenever you see your reflection printed in all the dusty corners of my soul, and scream ugly, it will echo back and say, Beauty, you have always been beauty,
And when you finally decide to let your guard down in my presence, my immune system will build up walks of love and acceptance around you, that will defend you - even against me - in the case of any harm,
I want you later to find your way to my mind -as you smell find it's way always to my nostrils- since the thought of you occupies it already,
I want you to know how it constantly thinks about you,
How it constantly cares about you,
How it constantly will pick you over my desires at any time,
How it will always hold on to you when you want to let go just because you are scared,
How it will make me stay, whenever I want to run the other way because I want you so bad and I know that I don't deserve to want you,
All I ask of you darling, in case I broke down once, and tried to go,
Please,

Speak as I try to leave cause we both know what we'll choose, if you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you.

I will always fall right back to you.
                 willingly
                              vulnerably
                                               and pridelessly.
                                         

The damaged loves the damaged.

I Don’t know what blood type I’m, but my mother has always guessed I’d be an A,
Since she and my father carry this blood type and I carry their gene,
But deep down I am kind of convinced that my Blood Type is O, or at least the blood type of the blood in my heart is O,
And for those who are not familiar with blood types, O is called the universal donor, because it can donate blood to anyone but only takes from an O,
Frankly I don’t think that anything can describe me better than this,
I am a walking talking O, a giver by nature , I have nothing yet I have so much to give,
I blame it on my pathological need to form an intimate relationship with anyone who is in an emotional mess,
The damaged loves the damaged they say, and I am beyond repair,
So I go ahead and embrace others pains, and bleed through their wounds, hug their insecurities away,
This constant urge to give pieces of me to every frowning stranger that passes by,
I take bus rides and stare at strangers faces’ wandering what keeps them up at night and what weighs their hearts down,
I am pathetically in love with humans, I believe in the kindness of strangers and see potential in some people that they don’t even see in themselves,
I believe that a warm hug can save humanity, and a passionate kiss can turn all the wrongs right,
And yes, I believe in true love and happy endings still although everything around me says otherwise,
The same old dilemma of those who love you are never those you love is the story of my love,
As an O kind of person, O gives everyone but can only receive from an O,
So the only people I kind of fall for or want them to give me are who are as emotionally crippled I am,
Unlike attracts and alike repel, they told us in our first physics class, but they never told me what to do when you only get attached to those who are just like you,
Let me tell you what they didn’t tell you in that physics class, They will come along and give you tingles and butterflies but then freak out and step away just like you did with that person who wasn’t an O,
Karma strikes right at your heart, giving the opportunity for you abandonment issues to grow a little bit more, for your trust issues to come between you and between the next person who will come along,
Things that has the potential to work scares me, because I know everything ends, and some days I’m too scared to put my heart out there one more time, for one more break, but then I remember Rumi’s quote, “ the wound is the place where light enters you “ ,
So I jump one more time, wearing my heart on my sleeves, thinking if I hit rock bottom, again , there is nowhere to go but up,
I’m not afraid of breaking my heart anymore, actually I already shattered it into a million pieces, and I thought that I had to glue it back together so I can love again, but I have came to realize that one person will come along , that deserves to be loved with a million part, not just one fist sized beating organ.

Lover, Would you ?

Lover,
Would you still love me if I showed you how weak and damaged I am?
Would you still want me if I clinged to the walls of your heart because I am just too scared to face life alone?
Would you still hold me if I let you into my dreams so you can see yourself how I am always running away from something even when I am sleeping?
Would you still kiss the palms of my hands if I told you that those exact palms held the ropes of holding on with former lovers till the cuts got too deep that their names are engraved on my bones?
Would you get burdened with my heavy heart and leave or will you stay and free it from all the memories weighing it down ?
Would you remind me gently how to breathe when my cries of help take my breath away?
Would you push back when I push you away just because I want to so much that my insecurities can't handle it?
Would you remind my heart that you love me every five seconds because my goldfish heart tends to forget that I'm love worthy?
Would you protect me from me? Would you protect us from me? or will you give me up like you gave up on your childhood hobby?
Would you try to love me the way I'm and promise that you won't try to save me? Would you stand aside as I save and fix myself?
Would you forgive me when I get jealous when you kiss your bestfriend on the cheek because I'm just that insecure?
Would you still love me when you get me all figured out and there is nothing interesting about me anymore?
Would you laugh at me when I tell you that I still believe in the kindness of people or would you smile and tell me that my green heart is what made you fall for me?
Would you promise me that if I took off my fake smile, you would kiss the frowns away ?
Would you print those " i love you " kisses on the back of my neck on those days when I feel as little and as cold as pluto feels when it looks at the sun?
Would you put up with my mood swings and come up with excuses for me because you know life has been hard enough on me?
Would you understand that when I say that I don't need anyone or that I'm okay, it's because I am too proud to say " help me " ?
Would you understand that when I get too possesive or too demanding, it's because that you are all I have and all I ever wanted?
Would you love me like Gatsby loved Daisy, or better yet, like God loved himself?
Would you swear that if you were my former lover, you'd have been there for me in my father's funeral so you can hold my hand so strong to assure me that I didn't lose everything and that I still have you the minute they were taking my dad away once and for all ?
Would be freak out if I told you that I'd kill myself without thinking twice if I got cancer and forgive me for not fighting it to spend a little more time with you because you know I'm that fragile?
Would you feel insecure when I tell you about how I'm familiar with loss and that I have lost so much that I got used to it and I even expect it?
Would you pity me if I told you about those times I had my lunch in the toilet just so I can avoid any possible human contact because I'm that sad?
Would you pity me if I told you about those times I had my lunch in the toilet just so I can avoid any possible human contact because I'm that sad?
Would you get over your issues as I will get over my issues for the sake of making whatever we have work ?
Would you leave if I asked you to leave or would you stay because you know I only said that just so you tell me you are not going anywhere?
And at the end lover, would you promise that you will forget I said any of that so I can keep on pretending that I'm fine and that I'm not falling apart?

Forgive me lover, for I have sinned.

Did I tell you how lonely it gets when you are asleep and I'm still up?
Well if I didn't, the answer is it gets so lonely that the seconds of silence between the tracks on my playlist feels like a decade.
Sometimes I miss you so much that my mind plays tricks on me and makes me smell your scent even when you are not around.
Did I tell you how my skin pores tries to preserve your perfume in it for nights like this so nostalgia won't eat me alive,
And how my skin itches like an addict suffering from withdrawl symptoms whenever I crave your touch and you are not here to lullaby me to sleep by the symphonies you play on my skin with your finger tips.
Did I tell you that you are so beautiful and that I'm so scared of you to a point I can't even speak about,
Because the last time I got caught up in a beautiful soul like yours it shattered me broken into thousand parts that if there is a god out there, it'd take him another seven days to put the pieces of my world back together so he can throw me in hell on judgment day.
See darling, I'm down on my knees, insecure and incomplete, former lovers took parts of me to fill the bits of emptiness within their souls, and the more parts I gave away, the more they asked for more until I fell apart, with nothing more to give.
Heart broken and hurt, I grabbed my suitcase full of nothing along with shatters of my dignity and crawled my way out of the darkness, searching for that so called light, at the end of every tunnel,
Until I caught a glimpse of it, in the spaces between the fingers of a little god who only believes in what he reads in science books.
A god that promised nothing, but his nothing was a lot more than everybody's everything, a god that didn't promise heaven or hell, but only promised now, a god that believed in me so much that I regained my will to live.
The lightness of your heart is exactly what I need, but somehow tomorrow always haunts me, will you get lighter and lighter till one day I wake up to find out that you faded away like a beautiful spring cloud? Or will I burden you to the extent that whatever we have will suffocate beneath the heaviness of my love? It's just I know nothing stays the same, lover, and you know it.
I wish you were here now, to print a kiss on my cheek like you always do and tell me to let it be, and to just embrace the moment we are in,
Wake up darling and remind me how to love myself by the way you look at me when you see me in a new outfit,
Or better yet darling, take off my cloth and pull me closer to your chest, so close that I'd feel the echoes of your heart beats in my rib cage,
Baptize me in the water of my own orgasms, then I'll whisper; forgive me lover, for I have sinned and confess all my previous heartbreaks and mention the details that might make you uncomfortable, and in your so godly way, you will breathe your holy spirit in my mouth, and a new heart will be born, unbroken and beats only to the letters of your name.

I'm Just Saying, Love.

I know you think that it was just a dream
But darling, it is as real as the way you blink repeatedly when you are thinking of the heavy burdens on your chest
Do you believe in Soul mates? Oh, How stupid of me to ask this question, you don't even believe that souls do exist
You are all about how science will logically explain everything and you are sure that one plus one will definetly equal two
If so love, can you explain to me how the solution was still one of the equation of me plus you?
I haven't read all the science books lying there on your bookshelf after you gave them parts of you some time ago so most probably I don't have a logical explanation for the question I just asked you
But let me answer it from my humble non scientific point of view;
The one I was on my own before I met you, and the one you were before you kissed me are totally different from the " one " we are together
it's like the difference between a Crescent sky and a Full moon kind of weather;
See, you were you and I was me, but darling can you taste the sweetness of the word " we "
I tasted it that night you sneaked a kiss from my lips while we were waiting for one of our friends
This is a memory that I'll keep in my heart forever, Even though if whatever we have ends
Did I tell you how much I hate rhymes? Well ,I do, very much but for some reason my words rhymes and my heart now beats to the rythm of your favorite song since the day I kissed you
Did I tell you that my fists aren't clenched and ready for the fight anymore? Did I tell you I don't even wanna fight anymore?
The fists turned into palms that day you kiss the bruises I got from holding on to those who pushed away, and the bruises turned into sunflower beds that follows your light wherever you go
The other night when you dreamt of me and you felt it as if it was so real it was because my soul left me and kept wandering around you
I put my ear to your heart and listened to the echo of your dreams,
I heard the fights your heart has with your logic, through the thick layers of nicotine that found their way into you through other's disappointments
I heard the pain screams inside you being muted by the sound of the sarcastic laugh you face everything with
I heard so many broken things that I vowed to myself to fix for you, so I leaned and placed a kiss on your cheek, the exact one that you dreamt of, as a seal for the deal
Consider that virtual kiss as a promise darling, yes a promise dear;
A promise to love you like your mother would have loved you if you were her only child
A promise to stick with you through the thick, thin and mild
A promise that my arms won't be strechted with love to anyone but you, and that no one will get to water the flowers in my palms with kisses but you
A promise that I love you to an extent that the god you don't believe in, will believe in you
Today when I held your palm in my hands and kept running my finger through it I had the urge to print five kisses on your fingers, starting from your thumb to your pinkie
Five kisses with five promises, to love you and love you and love you and love you and love you, I wish I can promise your forever, but I'd be lying, I don't know what might happen tomorrow, or the day after or a week from now, All i have is now, and my now is yours darling, if you asked for it.

and at last, I just wanna say that Jeffrey McDaniels, who happens to be one of my few favorite poets once said, “There's two kinds of women, those you write poems about and those you don't.”
I know that was a shitty poem, but I'm just saying , love, I am just saying.

تصوُّف

" الحُب منك و إليك "

كعادتي كلما تضاربت المشاعر بداخلى أسكبها كلها منى على ورقة حتى أقرأها و أعرف ما يدور بداخلى. أعرف أن قلبى كاد أن ينفجر من قدر الجمال و المحبة التى كانت تحاوطه من كل إتجاه, صوت عامر التوني الجهور و هو يصدح بحب الله, يغنّي لله و للمحبة و للعشق الإلهي و درويشه و هو يدور حول نفسه ليخرج من مدار هذا الكون و يتحول لذرات من عدم تهيم فى ملكوت الحُب, و رائحة عِطر تبعث في الطمأنينة لأنها تدل على أن أحد القلوب المليئة بالمحبة على بُعد خطوات منى.
إبتسامة بلهاء تعلو وجهي طوال التسعون دقيقة التى كان يغني فيها عن الحُب بصوته الأكثر من رائع, و كلما غنى فى حب الله كلما أتسعت إبتسامتى حتى كادت تسِع كل الحضور.
أكتشفت يومها سبب تعلُقي بالصوفية, لأنها فى حد ذاتها تتحدث عن الحب الصافي , الحب الذى لا يتخلله حِقد ولا ملل ولا يريد شيئاً فى المقابل, همست فى أذنه و قُلت: أعلم الآن سبب فشل علاقاتي السابقة, لأني دائما ما أحبهم بهذا القدر الذي يغني هذا المُنشد عنه. تأليه من أحبهم عادتي السيئة التى أقع فيها كل مرة, أحولها لآلهه و أنتظر منهم أن يتصرفوا على هذا الأساس, و أرضي بحكمهم بالجنة أو النار بنفس مَرضيّة, أتعبد لهم و أتمسك بهم حتى لو أشاحوا بوجههم عني طمعاً في جنتهم يوماً ما, لا أحاول أن أفهم كل مببراتهم لما يفعلوه معي و أتقبله كأنه أمر إلهي لا جدال فيه و أدور حول نفسي كالدراويش و أنا أردد " يا قلب أنت وعدتنى فى حبهم صبراً فحاذر أن تضيق و تضجرا " حتى أسقط من التعب و أنا أنتظر حتي يلقوا لي بشىء ما, بكِلمة أو علامة تقول بأنه مازال لي مكان فى جنتهم.
حان الوقت لأتذكر أنهم بشر, مثلهم مثلى, ليسوا أفضل منى بشىء سوى حبي لهم, حبي لهم هو ما يميزهم عن غيرهم. حان الوقت لأتوقف عن التصوف فى حُب بشر عجزوا عن أن يحبونى حُب إنساني.
سَقَاني الهَوى كَأسًا مِن الحُبِّ صَافِيًا, فَيَـــا لَيْتَه لَمَّا سَقَاني سَــــــقَاكُمُ , دائما ما أشرب كأس العشق وحدي و حقاً مللت من إحساس البؤس المُصاحب للسُكر وحدي, دائما ما أتجرع زجاجة العشق كلها وحدي, و كما نري فى الأفلام عندما يشرب شخص ما وحده فإنه فى الغالب ينتحر أو يؤذي حاله بعدها.
روحي مؤخراً أصبحت فى حالة تأهب دائم, كلما أقترب مني شخص ما و شعرب بألفة نحوه وجدتها تقف فى وضع إستعداد لمشاجرة جسدية, قلبى في يدي أعتصره في قبضة يدي اليسري و هى مرفوعة أمام وجهي و يدي اليمنى أمامها تحميها, قبضتا يدي متأهبتان للنزاع و الدفاع عن هذا القلب الذى لا زال ما تبقي منه ملىء الحب رغم كل شىء, و متمسك بالجمال و النصف الجميل من كل شىء, و لكني دائماّ صرت متأهبة للحرب, و كأن الحب ساحة معركة و ليس جنة كلها جمال و قلوب مليئة محبة و تقبل و سأظل هكذا حتي يأتي إليّ هو, المنتظر الذي لم أتبين ملامحه بعد, ليمسك بقبضتا يدي المستعدتان لتسديد اللكمات لمن يحاول الأقتراب, يفتحهما, ليحرر قلبي من بين يدي و يتركه ليهيم حباً, و يطبع قٌبلة على راحة يدي, قُبلة طمأنينة تقول أن كل شىء سيكون على ما يرام, كل شىء سيكون بخير, و تصير راحة يدي التى كانت مليئة بجروح تشبثي بكل قريب أراد أن يتركني و يرحل مليئة بالقُبل و الورود, لم أعد قادرة على أن أغلق راحة يدي على نفسها مرة أخري , صارت دائماُ مفتوحة , و الورود التي سيزرعها فيها بشفتيه ستتبع نوره أينما ذهب. مولاي إني ببابك قد بسطت يدي, فمن لي ألوذ بِه إلاك يا سندي ؟

..

حزن صامت. إنكسار عاجز و أخرس. أشعر بالوحدة فى أعماق رحمي بينما يتسلل الشعور الوهمي بالأمان الذى أعطانى إياه وجوده المؤقت مؤخراً مع دورتي الشهرية التى تعلن عن إبن أو بنت لي لن يولد, كما أعلم الآن أن كل الآمال التي علقتها عليه لمجرد أنه يتعامل معي بإنسانية لن تثمر بشىء. أكره تعودي السريع و تعلقي بكل شخص يبتسم لي أو يهتم لأمري. أريد أن أبكي في صمت فى حضن أحد يهتم لأمري, ظننت أنه هو ذاك الشخص و لكن لا أعلم لم أختفي فجأة أو تراجع عن الخطوة التى التى خطاها تجاهي مؤخراً. ربما أنا التى بالغت فى تفسير أفعاله .. ربما أنا التى توقعت الكثير و تعلقت سريعاً بحنيته معي و خيلت لنفسي أنه ربما يهتم لأمري حقاً و أن هذه ليست طريقته مع الكل .. ربما أهتم حقاً .. حسناً فى الحالتين لا أكترث 

لم أعد أشعر بالحنين إليها. بداخلى غضب عظيم تجاهها, أشعر أنها أهانتني و أساءت معاملتى. تطاردنى ذكرياتها السيئة هذه الأيام و حملها ثقيل على روحي, أريد أن أسامحها و أنسي, أريد أن أتقبل حقيقة أنها أهانتني لهذا الحد و واتتها الجرأة على أن تقول أنها لا تريدني فى حياتها كأكثر من صديقة. حقاً من تظن نفسها لتفعل هذا بي؟ كيف أستغلت حبي لها أسوأ أستغلال و لم تحاول من أجلى. أعلم تماماُ الأن أنها لا تحبني و ربما لم تحبني أبداً, فقط أحبت نفسها و أحبت كيف أحبها, أحبت فكرة أن يحبها أحد لهذه الدرجة و لم تعبأ بالروح التى أمتصتها مني , تركتني محطمة و فارغة. لم أعد أريدها رغم إنى أعلم تماماُ أنى لا زلت أحبها و لا زلت أشتاق إليها. و لكن من أشتاق إليه ليس من تتكلم معي الأن , شخص أخر , عرفته فى زمن ما, أحبني أو ظن أنه يحبني, شخص فراقي ليس سهل عليه هكذا. أكره أنانيتها حقاً و أود لو تشعر بما أشعر به حين تخبرني أنها لا تريدني, أو حين لا ترد على مكالماتي, أو حين ترفض أن نتقابل أو تتجاهل مشاعري. أتمني أن تحب شخص ما مثلما أحببتها يوماً و أدعو أن يكون هذا الشخص مثلها لتشرب من نفس الكأس الذى ظلت تسقيني منه لا مبالاة و إهمال و سوء معاملة. تريد كل شىء على هواها, لم يكن لى أي إختيار في هذه العلاقة تماماً. كنت مجرد تابعة لها, كهاتفها المحمول أو كتاب لم تبذل مجهود فى قرآته فقررت أن تتركه رغم أنها لو فقط حاولت .. لو فقط تحاملت على نفسها و لو قليلاُ لكانت عرفت أن نهايته سعيدة. بدأت علاقتها معي وقتما شاءت, تحدثنا فى الهاتف وقتما شاءت, و كانت ترد أو لا ترد إذا شاءت و أحياناً أخري إذا تعطفت صديقتها و تركتها ترد على مكالماتي ,كل  شىء حسب طروفها هي و إرادتها هي و كأن أنا لا أهم , حقاً أنا لا أهم و أعلم ذلك تماماً الآن. حررتها من حبي و قريباً سوف أتحرر أنا الأخرى منه , أو على الأقل أجتزت أول خطوة و هي أني لم أعد أريدها معي كأكثر من صديقة أو شخص كان يعني الكثير فى يوم ما

لا أعلم لم تعقدت العلاقات البشرية هكذا. لماذا لم يعد الحب شىء يقدر , لماذا لا يفكر البشر فى عواقب أنانيتهم, لماذا لم يعد أحد يحاول من أجل من يحب, لماذا أصبح دائما الفراق هو الحل, لماذا لم يعد أحد يحفظ وعده بالبقاء, لماذا نجرح من أحبنا أكثر مما نحبنا. لماذا تتغير المشاعر و يفتر الشغف و ينطفىء النور فجأة كأنه ما كان؟ 

قلبي مرهق و مثقل بخيبة الأمل و ألم الفراق, و روحي حزينة لأنى حقاً تعبت و أستسلم, كل ما أردته يوماً أن أكون سعيدة مع أحد يريدني و لا يتركني كنوع من التغيير , ربما أطلب المستحيل .. حسناً لا أريد شيئاً, سأدفن رأسي بين صفحات كتاب لأشعر مشاعر ناس أخرين و أحزن لأحزانهم و أفرح معهم حتى أغفو لأحلم حلم لن أتذكره غالباً حين أستيقظ لأذهب إلى عملى الذي أمقته. أتمني لو أنى ذاهبة لأنام فى حضنه. أعلم أنى لا أحبه و لكني أحب حميميته و دفئه. الدفء شىء جميل كنت مفتقداه معها, فهى بعيدة و باردة و تترك مسافة بينهما و بين كل ما يريد الحياة فيها فما بالك بالمسافة التى كانت  تتركها معي .. و لكن حين كنت معها شعرت بدفئها هذه المرة فقط, كانت دافئة و حميمية و جميلة و كأنها شخص أخر غير تلك التى تقتلني ببرود. بعدما نفثت عن غضبي فى السطور السابقة , حسناً أنا لا أريد لقلبها أن يُكسر أو أن تشعر بما أشعر به الآن, إن كنت سأتمني شيئاً لها فقط أتمنى أن تفتح قلبها المحدود لتحتوي نفسها أولاً ثم تحتوي من سيأتي من بعدي ربما تعلم أن الحياة ليست بالشىء السىء رغم كل شىء. أما هو, فهو جميل كما هو, فلتحافظ على جمالك يا حُب