THE BIG, BIG BANG

Dear Friend,



you have been missed, missed like a traveller would miss his warm bed after a two year trip around the world. They say that there is no place like home, well for the past two months you have been home to me in every aspect. You reminded me of how it is to feel safe. How it is to feel like you belong to something. And now I'm back again to square one, which is in my bed in my case. It hit me in the face, how what I am feeling right now is a deja vu of a previous heart break, me walking up really early after a restless sleep, checking my phone to find zero missed calls from you, not even a text , nothing that might even let me know how did your night go, I could swear I almost felt my heart sighing inside of me.
But wait a minute! How come it's reminding me of a heart break when we are just umm .. friends ? Oh so here is where it went bad, you are just like fire my friend, you give warmness from a safe distance but when I got closer I got burnt, Yes here I am admitting it .. I got burnt and that's when I started to ruin it and take the defensive attitude, didn't know if I was trying to prove to myself or to you , that I won't be like all your other girls , those girls you used to tell me about, who got too close and that's when you took a step back, I got so scared I might be one of this flop sequel of your victims, I'm too proud to be a victim , I would die before you pity me , will I be one of the girls you tell your next " friend " about ? All of these thoughts in my head made me scared, yes I got scared, that's why the more I wanted you the more I pulled away, Whatever I wanted to say to you to I said to your friend, whenever I wanted to come see you I dared myself to not to, I was just protecting myself from you, because I knew that even if you protected me from the whole world , when it comes to you , you will simply step on me.
Maybe I'm sick as you told me a couple of days ago, and yes I agree, even emotinal scars can get infected if you don't look after them, and if you see my naked soul you will know how many scar I'm hiding under that heartless apathetic cloak I always wear.
And you are blaming me for making you feel less special ? Yes I admit I did so, but imagine that's how I always felt , that's how I always felt when you tell me about her, that's how I felt each time I wanted to come talk to you and I couldn't because she was there , I know , i know, before you say that I knew about her all along before we start any of this but it all hurt just the same.

it's all my fault. I am not blaming you, it's my bad I couldn't put my shit together and keep the safe distance , I crossed that red line between just wanting you and needing you, so here you go, I'll tell you what you and I already know, I think you are amazing, I just love everything about you ( except her, actually i despise her ) , I love how you always understand me, I love how you touch me , I love how you talk to me , I love how you teach me things , I love how weak I feel infront of you, the goddess in me is just a slave captivated by your presence, if i could have anyone in this entire world I'd choose you, yes you among anyone in this world, I wish I could experience how it feels to be yours, and let you know how would it feel to be mine so you could know the difference, I would put my entire world under your feet, and let you step on it whenever you want, I'll satisfy your ego , I'll do whatever you ask for , I can even begin to describe .. if only ..
but I know that won't happen .. but I miss you .. and I hate how things are now between us .. and i miss you .. I miss how we used to be .. I wish there was anything I can do so we can go back when it first started and get stuck in it for the rest of our lives. I don't want to lose you .. as much as I want you back , but you have to understand , I was scared of you , I knew that either I will end up with a broken heart , or a bruised ego. And obviously I chose my ego over my heart with the defensive little girl attitude that I was trying to protect myself with.. but I miss you .. so please if you could like .. come back .. forget all about what I did .. and start over .. as if we just met each other .. i miss you .. come back if you can .. or just give me a gesture that you still want us to be friends .. not this kind of friends we are now .. i mean friends .. like we used to be .. I miss you .. I wish I could just kidnap you and take you and leave this shitty life , you will never have to do anything .. I'll make you a star in my universe .. I wish you knew how much I love you .. I wish I didn't go crazy and ruin eveything between us .. I wish I stopped suspecting you and your intentions like I do with everyone .. but forgive me , my friend , my dignity is all I've got left. 


BR,
Your Friend
(That misses you )

It's 5 o'clock in the morning, and I want ya & you want me, don't ya?

Life as I see it

If I had full control on my life and how I wanted it to be, It'd be me living Europe, preferably in Paris or Rome, where I own a little restaurant with a 50s theme , pictures of Edith Piaf, Marylin Monrie, Frank Sinatra, Ingrid Bergman, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Lauren and all of these amazing artist from this era will be all over the wall, the restaurant only plays either old songs and vey few of the recent indie songs.
I'd be in love, madly irreversibly in love, with that guy I fell in love with from the very first sight and he knew he only wants to kiss me , only me for the rest of his life. We live in a cozy apartment , with wooden floors, with very few furniture and some cozy rugs on the floor, because I love space and hate stuffing any room with useless pieces of extra furniture, so in our living room, it was just a sofa, a TV and a little table in the middle. My sweetheart hated extra furniture too because he loved chasing me all around the place and do the nasty nasty in every corner of the room, then after we drown in sweet love on the floor of our living room, I manage to escape his hands and go to our bedroom, with the huge bed in the middle and pictures of both of us all over the walls of the room, my darling believed that we need to capture every sweet memory so in the rough times we just look at these pictures and they will immediatly take us back to that sweet moment , and he was right, my darling is always right, one day we were behind in paying rent and had a really bad week at the restaurant , both of us were tired and weary from life's responsiblities , lying in bed each of us facing a different side , I look at the wall to find this time i took his pictures while he was shaving topless and it immediatly took me back to that day when he took the camera away from my hand and kissed me and got shaving cream all over me, I found myself smiling and turning on my other side to face him and hugged him real tight and told him how much i love him , through the thick and thin, I will always love him and be there for him, he looked at me and said that it only annoys him that he cannot afford to give me the life a princess like me deserves, i hug him and say enough with the drama sweet love, How about we fuck the misery away ? He laughes and say; How I love my naughty bad bad princess! I reply with a naughty smile; She won't love you if you keep her waiting.
That's how I wish my life was, a job I love, little money and lots of love, sex and laughter

The Jerk by Jeffrey McDaniel

 This is my all time favorite poem ,kind of remind me of someone,  I though I'd share it with you:

Hey you , dragging the halo
How about a holiday in the islands of grief?

Tongue is the word I wish to have with you.
Your eyes are so blue they leak.

Your legs are longer than a prisoner's last night on death row.
I'm filthier than a coal miner's bathtub,
and nastier than the breath of Charles Bukowski.

You're a dirty little windsheild

I'm standing behind you on the subway,
hard as calculus, my breath be sticking on your neck like graffiti.

I'm standing opposite to you in the bar,
waiting for you to uncross your boundaries.

I want to rip off your logic,
and make passionate sense to you.

I want to ride in the swing of your lips.

My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech.

But with me for a lover, you won't need catastrophes,
What attracted me in the first place will ultimately make me resent you.

I'll start telling you lies,
and my lies will sparkle,
become the bad stars you chart your life by.

I'll stare at other women so blatantly,
you will hear my eyes peeling.

Because sex with you is like Great Britain:
Cold, groggy and a little uptight.

Your bed is a big, soft calculator,
where my problems multiply.

Your brain is a garage,
I park my bullshit in, for free.

You are not really my new girlfriend,
Just another flop sequel of the first one,
who was based on the true story of my mother.

You are so ugly I forgot how to spell.

You're the 'this' we need to put an end to,
The more you apologize, the less I forgive you.

So how about it? 

The Positive Side Of Addiction

" I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He has taken full control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise "