For You.

If I talk real slowly, if I try real hard, to make my point dear, that you have my heart. So here I go, I'll tell you what you already know;

I love you, now and forever, and since the day my heart knew what love is,
not just since eighty-two days ago,
Most of the times I'm mad at myself because it took me almost twenty three years to find you,
And I wonder, What if,
What If I met you before you met them, those who left permenant scars on your beautiful little heart, those who let you down and pushed away when you opened your arms with love,
it would have saved you a lot of the heartache you went through, Although I know for a fact that this glow of sadness in your eyes only made you prettier,
I'm Sorry dear, I'm sorry for it took me so long to find you, but I promise I'll make it up for you,
For eighty-two times, I apologize for all what happened before I come along,
For eighty-two times, I apologize for what might happen from me, in advance,
For eighty-two times, I will kiss the middle left of your chest, hoping if I believed and wished hard enough, those kisses will find their way to that beating organ that thinks of quitting its job eighty-two times a day,
For eighty-two nights, I'll hug you to sleep and be your dream catcher to bring only happy thoughts to your subconscious,
For eighty-two times, I want to tell you that,

All I know is that you are so nice, you are the nicest thing I've seen;

You are the cutest thing I've seen,
You are the kindest heart I've came across,
You the purest soul that touched me from day one,
Make me your mirror, and I promise you that I'll do my best to not be like your previous mirrors,
I will do my best so I won't break and make you cut yourself while your are trying to put the shatters of me and you together,
I promise that I'll do my best so I'd only reflect beauty, and inner peace,
Make a home out of my heart, so whenever you break down, you will feel how it clenches in my chest and aches for your own wounds,
I want you to be inside of it when it clenches with ache, so it'd give you one heart warming - literally- hug and protect you from whatever is upsetting you,
Then you can take a walk in my chest, so whenever you see your reflection printed in all the dusty corners of my soul, and scream ugly, it will echo back and say, Beauty, you have always been beauty,
And when you finally decide to let your guard down in my presence, my immune system will build up walks of love and acceptance around you, that will defend you - even against me - in the case of any harm,
I want you later to find your way to my mind -as you smell find it's way always to my nostrils- since the thought of you occupies it already,
I want you to know how it constantly thinks about you,
How it constantly cares about you,
How it constantly will pick you over my desires at any time,
How it will always hold on to you when you want to let go just because you are scared,
How it will make me stay, whenever I want to run the other way because I want you so bad and I know that I don't deserve to want you,
All I ask of you darling, in case I broke down once, and tried to go,
Please,

Speak as I try to leave cause we both know what we'll choose, if you pull then I'll push too deep and I'll fall right back to you.

I will always fall right back to you.
                 willingly
                              vulnerably
                                               and pridelessly.
                                         

The damaged loves the damaged.

I Don’t know what blood type I’m, but my mother has always guessed I’d be an A,
Since she and my father carry this blood type and I carry their gene,
But deep down I am kind of convinced that my Blood Type is O, or at least the blood type of the blood in my heart is O,
And for those who are not familiar with blood types, O is called the universal donor, because it can donate blood to anyone but only takes from an O,
Frankly I don’t think that anything can describe me better than this,
I am a walking talking O, a giver by nature , I have nothing yet I have so much to give,
I blame it on my pathological need to form an intimate relationship with anyone who is in an emotional mess,
The damaged loves the damaged they say, and I am beyond repair,
So I go ahead and embrace others pains, and bleed through their wounds, hug their insecurities away,
This constant urge to give pieces of me to every frowning stranger that passes by,
I take bus rides and stare at strangers faces’ wandering what keeps them up at night and what weighs their hearts down,
I am pathetically in love with humans, I believe in the kindness of strangers and see potential in some people that they don’t even see in themselves,
I believe that a warm hug can save humanity, and a passionate kiss can turn all the wrongs right,
And yes, I believe in true love and happy endings still although everything around me says otherwise,
The same old dilemma of those who love you are never those you love is the story of my love,
As an O kind of person, O gives everyone but can only receive from an O,
So the only people I kind of fall for or want them to give me are who are as emotionally crippled I am,
Unlike attracts and alike repel, they told us in our first physics class, but they never told me what to do when you only get attached to those who are just like you,
Let me tell you what they didn’t tell you in that physics class, They will come along and give you tingles and butterflies but then freak out and step away just like you did with that person who wasn’t an O,
Karma strikes right at your heart, giving the opportunity for you abandonment issues to grow a little bit more, for your trust issues to come between you and between the next person who will come along,
Things that has the potential to work scares me, because I know everything ends, and some days I’m too scared to put my heart out there one more time, for one more break, but then I remember Rumi’s quote, “ the wound is the place where light enters you “ ,
So I jump one more time, wearing my heart on my sleeves, thinking if I hit rock bottom, again , there is nowhere to go but up,
I’m not afraid of breaking my heart anymore, actually I already shattered it into a million pieces, and I thought that I had to glue it back together so I can love again, but I have came to realize that one person will come along , that deserves to be loved with a million part, not just one fist sized beating organ.

Lover, Would you ?

Lover,
Would you still love me if I showed you how weak and damaged I am?
Would you still want me if I clinged to the walls of your heart because I am just too scared to face life alone?
Would you still hold me if I let you into my dreams so you can see yourself how I am always running away from something even when I am sleeping?
Would you still kiss the palms of my hands if I told you that those exact palms held the ropes of holding on with former lovers till the cuts got too deep that their names are engraved on my bones?
Would you get burdened with my heavy heart and leave or will you stay and free it from all the memories weighing it down ?
Would you remind me gently how to breathe when my cries of help take my breath away?
Would you push back when I push you away just because I want to so much that my insecurities can't handle it?
Would you remind my heart that you love me every five seconds because my goldfish heart tends to forget that I'm love worthy?
Would you protect me from me? Would you protect us from me? or will you give me up like you gave up on your childhood hobby?
Would you try to love me the way I'm and promise that you won't try to save me? Would you stand aside as I save and fix myself?
Would you forgive me when I get jealous when you kiss your bestfriend on the cheek because I'm just that insecure?
Would you still love me when you get me all figured out and there is nothing interesting about me anymore?
Would you laugh at me when I tell you that I still believe in the kindness of people or would you smile and tell me that my green heart is what made you fall for me?
Would you promise me that if I took off my fake smile, you would kiss the frowns away ?
Would you print those " i love you " kisses on the back of my neck on those days when I feel as little and as cold as pluto feels when it looks at the sun?
Would you put up with my mood swings and come up with excuses for me because you know life has been hard enough on me?
Would you understand that when I say that I don't need anyone or that I'm okay, it's because I am too proud to say " help me " ?
Would you understand that when I get too possesive or too demanding, it's because that you are all I have and all I ever wanted?
Would you love me like Gatsby loved Daisy, or better yet, like God loved himself?
Would you swear that if you were my former lover, you'd have been there for me in my father's funeral so you can hold my hand so strong to assure me that I didn't lose everything and that I still have you the minute they were taking my dad away once and for all ?
Would be freak out if I told you that I'd kill myself without thinking twice if I got cancer and forgive me for not fighting it to spend a little more time with you because you know I'm that fragile?
Would you feel insecure when I tell you about how I'm familiar with loss and that I have lost so much that I got used to it and I even expect it?
Would you pity me if I told you about those times I had my lunch in the toilet just so I can avoid any possible human contact because I'm that sad?
Would you pity me if I told you about those times I had my lunch in the toilet just so I can avoid any possible human contact because I'm that sad?
Would you get over your issues as I will get over my issues for the sake of making whatever we have work ?
Would you leave if I asked you to leave or would you stay because you know I only said that just so you tell me you are not going anywhere?
And at the end lover, would you promise that you will forget I said any of that so I can keep on pretending that I'm fine and that I'm not falling apart?

Forgive me lover, for I have sinned.

Did I tell you how lonely it gets when you are asleep and I'm still up?
Well if I didn't, the answer is it gets so lonely that the seconds of silence between the tracks on my playlist feels like a decade.
Sometimes I miss you so much that my mind plays tricks on me and makes me smell your scent even when you are not around.
Did I tell you how my skin pores tries to preserve your perfume in it for nights like this so nostalgia won't eat me alive,
And how my skin itches like an addict suffering from withdrawl symptoms whenever I crave your touch and you are not here to lullaby me to sleep by the symphonies you play on my skin with your finger tips.
Did I tell you that you are so beautiful and that I'm so scared of you to a point I can't even speak about,
Because the last time I got caught up in a beautiful soul like yours it shattered me broken into thousand parts that if there is a god out there, it'd take him another seven days to put the pieces of my world back together so he can throw me in hell on judgment day.
See darling, I'm down on my knees, insecure and incomplete, former lovers took parts of me to fill the bits of emptiness within their souls, and the more parts I gave away, the more they asked for more until I fell apart, with nothing more to give.
Heart broken and hurt, I grabbed my suitcase full of nothing along with shatters of my dignity and crawled my way out of the darkness, searching for that so called light, at the end of every tunnel,
Until I caught a glimpse of it, in the spaces between the fingers of a little god who only believes in what he reads in science books.
A god that promised nothing, but his nothing was a lot more than everybody's everything, a god that didn't promise heaven or hell, but only promised now, a god that believed in me so much that I regained my will to live.
The lightness of your heart is exactly what I need, but somehow tomorrow always haunts me, will you get lighter and lighter till one day I wake up to find out that you faded away like a beautiful spring cloud? Or will I burden you to the extent that whatever we have will suffocate beneath the heaviness of my love? It's just I know nothing stays the same, lover, and you know it.
I wish you were here now, to print a kiss on my cheek like you always do and tell me to let it be, and to just embrace the moment we are in,
Wake up darling and remind me how to love myself by the way you look at me when you see me in a new outfit,
Or better yet darling, take off my cloth and pull me closer to your chest, so close that I'd feel the echoes of your heart beats in my rib cage,
Baptize me in the water of my own orgasms, then I'll whisper; forgive me lover, for I have sinned and confess all my previous heartbreaks and mention the details that might make you uncomfortable, and in your so godly way, you will breathe your holy spirit in my mouth, and a new heart will be born, unbroken and beats only to the letters of your name.