نسكافيه 2 فى 1

أكره هشاشتى. أكره كم أنا ضعيفة و منكسرة. أكره كم اتأثر بما حولى بمنتهى السهولة. و فى النفس الوقت أكره تبلدى و قوتى ولا مبالاتى و كيف أنى لا أكترث بما يحدث. أكاد أسمع قلبى ينكسر حينما أرى أب مع أولاده فى مكان ما و أتذكر أبى الذى وقفت فى جنازته و هو يدفن أمام عينى و لم تنزل منى دمعة واحدة. أنا من تبكى حتى يختفى خضار عينى وسط حُمرة الشعيرات الدموية على شخص أحبه و أنا من أترك من أحب بمنتهى السهولة و البرود. أنا الأبيض و أنا الأسود فى نفس الوقت من دون أن أتذوق وسطية الرمادى. أنا من أستطيع أن أجد الجمال فى كل شىء و أنا من أحتمى بسريرى و بطانيتى بالأيام خوفا من النزول و مواجهة قبح العالم. أنا العزيمة التى من الممكن أن تغير العالم و أنا العجز الذى يمنعنى من أن أفعل أى شىء. أنا طاقة حب و إيجابية تريد أن تعانق كل من تراه و أنا الطاقة السلبية و اليدان اللتان تدفعا كل من يحاول الاقتراب بحجة البيرسونال سباس. أنا الإيمان و أنا الكفر. أنا الإهتمام و أنا اللا مبالاة. و كله فى نفس الوقت يا برنس . أخبرنى حاتم مرة - و هو بالمناسبة صديق لا أعرفه شخصيا فقط يقرأ كتاباتى - أنى من أكثر الشخصيات المزدوجة التى عرفها. و بالفعل حين تفكرت فى الأمر قليلاً وجدتنى شخصية أقرب إلى الزبادى الخلاط. لا أعرف ماذا أفعل معظم الوقت لأنى أريد الشىء و عكسه و أشعر بهما فى نفس اللحظة. صراع داخلى أعيشه كل يوم كل ساعة كل دقيقة يهلكنى و يأكلنى من الداخل حتى أريد أن أموت و أنتهى من كل هذه التناقضات. و حتى حين خضت تجربة كدت أن أموت فيها خوفت. أترعبت من الموت و أردت الحياة. حسناُ ما أريده هو الاختفاء و ليس الموت. منتهى الخفة. التخلص من كل ما يثقلنى و يربطنى بالأرض. أكون مجرد روح أو أفكار تطوف الجو. طعامى يكون الموسيقى و أرتشف كلمات من كتب. أتخلص من هرموناتى و مشاعرى و طموحاتى و أحلامى. أتخلص من أحتياجى لبشر يشعرونى بأهميتى. أكون بلا أهمية و أكون على وفاق مع هذا. أكون العدم الكائن. لول أحا العدم الكائن ؟ برضه عايزة أبقى الحاجة و عكسها. آى آم هوبليس

عِيش يا أبن أدم عِيش

صباح ملىء باللا مبالاة,
أكتب اليكم و أنا أحتسى قهوتى الصباحية و هى العادة التى اكتسبتها مؤخراً رغم أننى منذ سنتين تقريبا لم أكن اطيق طعم القهوة لمرارتها, ربما لابد أن تصل حياتك لدرجة معينة من الحزن و المرارة حتى تستطيع ان تتحمل طعم القهوة المر و او ربما أني صرت أحبها لأنها تذكرنى بشخص عزيز فى حياتى فأنا من هؤلاء الذين يفقدون سماتهم الأساسية حين يحبون أحداً و يتلونون بألوانهم و يحبون كل ما يحبوه - لا أرادياً - و ربما يكون هذا السبب أنى أستمع لبيتهوفن الأن لأنى أفتقد شخصا يحبه. تباً لى و لتعلقى السريع و تباُ للعابرون فى حياتى ممن يأتون لفترة من الزمن ليعطونى نشوة الأمتلاء و ثم يرحلون من حيث ما جاءوا مع أجزاء من روحى كتبت بأسمهم للأبد تاركين سواد فارغ مكانها.

أختص اليوم أثنان من أصدقائي لأتحدث عنهم ربما لأنى لدى الكثير لأخبرهم و لم يأتى الوقت المناسب لأقوله.

عزيزتى " ر ",

أنا بحبك. و أحب الصدفة التى عرفتنى بكِ. أنتى من أجمل الكائنات على وجه الأرض رغم انك لا تشعرين بذلك. أحب أحاديثنا الطويلة التى نتحدث فيها عن " خيبتنا " سوياً ثم نضحك على أنفسنا و على حظنا الهِباب. أحاديثك و مشاكلك عمتاً تتمحور عن خوفك من ألا تكونى جيدة بالنحو الكافى و عن ثقة شبه معدومة بنفسك اهتزت كلما قابلتى أحداً لا يراكى بالنحو الذى يجب أن يُنظر إليكى به. لا أعلم كيف تنظرين إلى المرايا و لا ترين كم أنتى جميلة بل أنتى جميلة الجميلات و من يرى سوى ذلك فهو أعمى البصيرة. و للأسف ما زلتى حتى الأن تنظرين إلى نفسك بالعين المجردة و لا تتجردين من الحسيات و تنظرين إلى روحك الخلابة حتى ترين جمال يسلب الأنفاس , جمال قوى لن تحتمله قلوبهم فستتقطع أنفاسهم و سوف نضحك عليهم كما يضحكون منك حين تحتاجين لتلتقطى أنفاسك أحيانا و أنتى تتحدثين. أتعلمين أن بعض العلماء يقولون أننا لم نصل بعد إلى الشكل النهائي للتطور و ال Evolution و أن الشكل النهائي سيكون فيه الأنسان مجرد روح و أفكار و مشاعر. كائن لا تحتمل خفته ولا جماله. أؤكد لكى وقتها أنكى ستكونين ملكة جمال الكون .. و أبقى أقتكرينا بقى. بحبك يا بت.

عزيزى إسلام,

رغم أنى أكتب هذا بناءاً على طلب منك و لكنى أكتشفت ان لدى الكثير لأقوله إليك. فأنت مُثقل بالهموم و الإحباط من حياة لم تعطك حقك الكافى. و لن أقول لك أن الدنيا كده و محدش واخد حقه ولا كل الهري ده لأنى أعلم جيداً أنه كلام فارغ لا يُريح و مجرد تبديد لحروف و أصوات. أريد أن أوعدك و أبشرك بأن ألحياة سوف تروق و تحلى و لكنى لست ربنا و لا أرى الغيب و لو كنت من الألهة كنت سأمنحك كل نعيم الدنيا و الأخرة لأنك كما يقولون تستاهل كل خير. فأنت جميل على المستوى الحسى و الوجدانى. فأنت إنسان يا صديقى و هم قليلون. تمسك بإنسانيتك و كل ما أنت عليه. كفاك ضيقاُ بحياة واهية و شكليات إن كانت ضرورية - بالنسبة للمجتمع - فهى ليست ضرورية حقاً إذا فكرت فيها.
كل ما أستطيعه هو أن أتمنى لك راحة البال و صفاء مع النفس لأنى أرى أنك تحتاج هذا أكثر من اىشىء بمجرد النظر إلى وجهك.

و أخيراُ يا "ر" و أنت يا إسلام أحب أن أقول لكما أنه ليس بالضرورى أن نكون كما يريدوننا أن نكون. ليس بالضرورى أن نمشى وراء القطيع و نعيش بتصنيفاتهم للنجاح و الجمال. فنحن من خلقنا لنحيد عن القطيع. لنضع معايير جديدة أسمى و أرقى للحياة غير الجمال الحسى و النجاح الذى يُكيّل بالمال. دعونا نكون. فقط نكون. حتى ننتهى. فهى حياة بنت وسخة فى جميع الأحوال حتى حينما تعطيك كل ما تريده الأن ستأخذ شيئا فى المقابل. فتباً لها و تباّ لكل شىء. فليسقط المجتمع. و تسقط تصنيفاته. فليسقط العالم و يسقط كل شىء.

الصمت الذى أصم صاحبه

عزيزتى

تحية طيبة و بعد

أكتب إليكى اليوم عن الصمت. هوايتك المفضلة التى تمارسيها بكل احتراف. إن كان للصمت إله فأنا أرجح انه أنتى. فالصمت يكون ردك على كل شيء. حين تحزنين تصمتين و حين تُقهرين تصمين اما حين تفرحين فعندئذ تصمتين. أنا الأخري أحب الصمت. فالصمت مريح لا يفتح باباُ لنقاشات غير مجدية فالكلام مع الناس ليس احدى هواياتى المفضلة , فما تعلمته من سنواتى الاثنان و عشرون أن الكلام مع الناس ليس سوى أنفاس و أصوات تُهدر ولا تغير أي شيء. فكما نعرف أنا و انتى ان لا احد يستمع لكلامك حتى يفهمك و انما فقط لكى يرد و يفهمك هو ما لا تفهمين. لم أخبرك عن كل مرة فتحت فاهى كى أقول شيئا و تراجعت حتى لا اضطر للخوض فى حديث يصل إلى نهاية مسدودة و لم احكى لكى عن المرات الكثيرة التى اوشكت ان اكتب كومنت لصديق او صديقة على الفايسبوك او تويتر و تراجعت فقط حتى لا اقحم حالى فى محادثة سخيفة نضطر فيها أنا و الطرف الاخر من المحادثة ان ندعى اهتمامنا بما يقوله الاخر و انتى تعلمين كم انا غير مبالية بأى شخص و أى شىء و لذلك افضل السكوت و خصوصا سكوتهم و ليس سكوتى

اما سكوتك انتِ من نوع أخر, فإن كان سكوتهم راحة فسكوتك عذاب. سكوتك مخيف و مظلم و انتِ دائما تتركينى فى عتمة صمتك و تغوصين فى أعماقك غير مكترثة بخوفى و وحدتى بدونك. حتى و انتِ أمام عينى بجسدك و لكن روحك التى اعيش بها و تعيش في تختفى فجأة من أمامى. و قبل أن تقطبى جبينك و تسألينى كيف ارى روحك و هى شىء غير مادى غير محسوس سأقاطعك و أقول انى أراها. نعم يا حبيبة الروح أراها. أراها تحوم حولك طول الوقت منتظرة أن تفتحى شفتيك لتضحكى او تتكلمى لكل تعود إليكى و ما لبثتِ ان تعودى لصمتك و انكسارك حتى تتركك و تتوه منك و اتوه انا

أعلم ان صمتك هو ملجأ راحتك او كما يطلقون عليه فى بلاد الشقراوات " الكمفورت زون " و أنا احترم راحتك و أحب ان تكونى مرتاحة و لكن للصمت اثاره الجانبية مولاتى فقد ترككى صلبة صلدة متبلدة كحجر فى الصحراء الكبرى. فحين اتقنتى الصمت فقدتى قدرتك على الانفعال فأصبح رد فعلك حين أقبلك هو نفس رد فعلك حين أنهرك هو نفس رد فعلك حين تطبخ أمك بط بلدى و انت تكرهيه و هو نفس رد الفعل حين تسمعين بموت الاف فى اعصار فى بلاد الواق الواق. أحيانا بل معظم الوقت اود لو ان اصفعك على خدك الناعم الجميل كى تفيقى من غيبوبة الصمت التى تأخذك منى معظم الأوقات و لكن قطعت يداى قبل ان تمتد على وجهك الذى زينه خالقك بجمال حزين

و من اثاره الجانبية ايضا هو انك تقحمينى في صمت قهرى من دون ان تشعري. فحين تصمتى أفقد رغبتى فى الكلام و تتساقط الكلمات التى ظللت الحنها على احبالى الصوتية قبل ميعادنا إلى حروف و الحروف تتناثر إلى ذرات من العدم فأصمت و أصمت و أصمت . اود ان اعترف بشيء .. أنا أكره الصمت .. نعم اكرهه و خصوصا لو كان معك . احب التحدث اليكى. احب سماع إسمى بصوتك الدافىء المنكسر. اريد ان استمع لتفاصيل يومك الممل و عن ذاك الفيلم الذى شاهدتيه بالأمس و تلك الاغنية التى اردتى ان اسمعها و جاركم السخيف الذى يتطلع إليكى من تحت نظارته " الكعب كوباية " و انت تخرجين القمامة و الذى حلفت ان اهشم وجهه حينما اراه. حسنا كذبت مرة ثانية لن اهشم وجهه و لكنى سأرمقه بنظرة قوية " تعرفه ان الله حق "و عن مشاكل ابيك و امك التى لا نهاية لها . و لا تخطئي فهمى فأنا احبك حين تصمتين و لكنى احبك اكثر و اكثر حين تتحدثين .. اتكلمى الله يعمر بيتك انا مش حمل السكات ده

دعينى اعترف لكى بشيء اخر, اتتذكرين طقسى الغريب و نحن نمارس الحب. حينما اكون بين رجليك و وجهى مباشرة أمام الدير الواقع بين فخذيك المرمريان الذى اقوم انا فيه بدور الناسك الوحيد فيه , اتذكرين ذاك اليوم حين ظللت انفخ بين شفتيه و كأنى اعطيه قبلة الحياة وأنتى تضحكين و تسألينى ماذا أنا بفاعل. اقول لكى حبيبتى الان ماذا كنت أفعل كنت انفخ فيكى من روحى كما نفخ رب محمد فى جسد ادم الطينى و اذا بالحياة تدب في كل خلاياه. و انتى تحدثينى دائما - بصمت - كيف انك من الاموات الاحياء و كيف انك لا تحتاجين لكى تكونى على فراش الموت لتكونى بين الحياة و الموت فأنت الأن لستى على قيد الحياة حتى و الموت بعيد عنكى كل البعد و بصتيلى و قولتىلى" احا يا دينا أنا اتحشرت بين البِنين " . أنفخ و انفخ عسى ان انقل اليكى بعض الحياة منى اليكى و رغم فشل كل محاولاتى إلى الأن إلا انى لن أيأس و سأظل احاول. سأتى بكل ألوانى وألون كل رمادى روحك بالأخضر لون الخير و الأحمر لون الحياة و الفوشيا الفاقع لون .. هو مش لون حاجة فى دماغى بس أنا بحبه

خلاصة الأمر كل ما فى الأمر انى احبك و احب صمتك قبل كلامك و أفضل ان ابقى بقية حياتى صامتة معك على أن اثرثر مع أحد غيرك و لكنى أشتاق إليكى و إلى وجودك الفعلى بكل شئ فيكى.. حضورك دوما ناقص مبتور غير مكتمل .. أبتسامتك دائما بها شىء من الأسى .. أحيانا أشتاق إلى كلك ولا أجده .. أجد فقط اجزاء منك  .. أحاول قدر ما أحاول و لكننى لا أعلم ما أنا بصدده حتى أعالجه و لهذا تجدينى أحيانا أخلق مشاجرات من لا شىء فقط للحظات الصلح التى تشرفينى فيها بحضورك الكلى النادر. اود ان اسرد اكثر و احكى اكثر و لكن الساعة تشير إلى السابعة و النصف و عم عصام بتاع الباص هيجيلى 8 و خمسة و إنتى عارفة انه راجل ابن مرا مبيستناش حد

متسكتيش يا مي... سكوتك بيصدعنى

دينا

        

المجد لنون النسوة

قصاصات قابلة للحرق

تصوّف فى حبها فكان يتعبد بخشوع فى معبده الصغير بين رجليها

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و اعتادت ان تقف عارية أمام المرايا بالساعات لعلها تلمح جمالها الداخلى الذي يحكون عنه

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و فى الثانية بعد منتصف الليل اعتاد أن يعتم غرفته ليسترق النظر و يشاهدها و هى تتمايل عارية على أنغام موسيقي الراي غير مبالية بالعالم الخارجي

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و أختلط دخان سجائره ببخار القهوة بيده فشكلا سحابه يكاد لا يراها وراءها و هى تترنح و تتمايل على أغاني رشيد طه بعدما سلبها توازنها بشفتيه

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أحمل حبك بقلبي أينما ذهبت ك أُم تحمل مولودها الأول

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خلاصة الأمر عزيزي انت كل جمال و كل فرحة عرفها عالمي الحزين. انت بداية كل بداية و نهاية كل نهاية و ما بينهما

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أنت صوت منير الآتي من فلوكة فى نيل أسوان فى شهر ديسمبر

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انت صوت إيديث بياف يوم عيد الحب فى مقهى فى احدي شوارع باريس الجانبية

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انت كتاب أتوه بين صفحاته فى ليالى الوحدة الموحشة

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انت سيجارة انفخ فيها كل همومي و تحترق من أجلى و تشاركني كل سعادتى اللحظية

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انت فنجان قهوة أغرق فيه فى كل صباح شتوي بارد

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كل حاجة غير ملموسة فيا سايبانى و عايشة حواليك

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و فشلت كل محاولاتى فى البحث عن نفسى و ذاتى حتى وجدتك و بكل تكبر صرت انت النفس و ملأت فراغ الروح و حللت محل الذات

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عن الحنين لكل ما كان و كل ما سيكون فى خبر كان

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عن فقدان جميع الأشياء جمالها خجلاً من جمال روحك 

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مشاعر باهتة صفراء مطفية 

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عن التعرى من الملابس والتعرى من كل الاقنعة و التعرى من الخجل و التعرى من التكلف و التعرى من كل ما هو جسدى و الرجوع لكل ما هو روحانى

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عن فقدان معالم شخصيتك فى شخص ما

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عن هؤلاء الذين يبقون دائماً فى خانة الاحتمالات و نفنى يقية عمرنا منتظرين تحولهم الى حقائق ملموسة

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عن فقدان جميع الاشياء طعمها بعد تذوق شفتيك

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عن تلك الشعرة بين كل ما هو حقيقى و ما نعتقد انه حقيقي

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عن تلك الشعرة بين الانهزام و الاستسلام

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و فجأة نظر الي و قال: حبيبتى دعيهم يتظاهرون و يستأنفون محاولاتهم فى تغير العالم اما نحن فلنكتفى بأن نشرب كأس نخب انتهاء العالم و نمارس الحب

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كسم الأشياء إللي مبتحبّهاش، أمّا الأشياء إللي بتحبيها مكسمّهاش

تصبح على قلب بيحس و عقل بيقدر

هتنام و مش هتظبط المنبه عشان تنزل تقابلك. قالتلك صحينى لما تصحى عشان نتقابل و هى عارفة انك مش هتصحيها و مش هتحاول تصحى هى عشان تعبت من انها تحاول تقربلك و زهقت انها كل ما تاخد هى خطوة ترجع انت اتنين

فاض بيها خلاص و مبقتش عايزة تحاول عشانك عشان انت عمرك ما حاولت عشانها عمرك ما حبيتها زى ما حبتك حبك كان كله كلام من غير فعل و هى محتاجة فعل محتاجة حضن محتاجة كلمة حنينة .. محتاجاك بس للأسف انت عمرك ما كنت موجود 

انت مجرد خيال مأته شاغل مساحة بس مبتعملش حاجة مبتتحركش واقف تتفرج عليها و هى بتكسر حتت فيها عشانك

بس خلاص .. مبقاش فاضل فيها حاجة تتكسر. مبقتش عايزاك مش هتستنى مكالمتك مش هتطلب تقابلك الكرة دلوقتى عندك يا تمسك فيها و متسبهاش تمشى يا هتخسرها للأبد و متلومش الا نفسك

انت اللى محبتش بضمير انت اللى مقدرتش و انت اللى مش هتعرف تعوضها

تصبح على خير و على قلب بيحس و عقل بيقدر

 

Ne me quitte pas

 

Do not leave me now
I will cry no more
I will talk no more
Will hide somehow
Just to look at you
Dance and smile
And to hear you
Sing and then laugh
Let me be for you
The shadow of your shadow
The shadow of your hand
The shadow of your dog
Do not leave me now
Do not leave me now
Do not leave me now
Do not leave me now

Our Movie

My name is Clementine, by the way.

Eternal sunshine of a spotless mind

اللى كان و كان و كان

نفسى حد يحبنى اكتر من نفسه

نفسى حد يبقى مستعد يخسر كل حاجة عشانى

نفسى ابقى انا اهم حاجة فى حياة حد

نفسى و لو مرة واحدة مبقاش انا الحد اللى بيحب اكتر

نفسى فى حد ميستغلش ضعفى قدام حبه

نفسى اتحب بضمير

نفسى فى حد يمسك فيا و ميسبنيش امشى ابدا

نفسى فى حد يصلحنى و ميكسرش اللى صلحه

نفسى فى بنى ادم بيعرف يكون بنى ادم

نفسى فى حاجات كتير اوى بس مفيش حاجة بتحصل ولا هتحصل

و انتى يا مي .. نفسك فى ايه ؟   مي: كماننا

وحشتينى و مش عارفة ده ايه علاقته باللى كنت انا بقوله بس افتكرت لما قولتلك نفسك فى ايه و قولتيلى كماننا ضحكت اوي

وحشتينى رغم انى بكلمك كل يوم بس حاسه انى بكلم حد شبهك مش انتى و اللى بيكلمك حد شبهى مش انا

لما بعد اقرا كلامنا القديم بزعل علينا اوى .. مش عارفة ايه حصل

لو كان موت الشغف انسان لقتلته 

 

نُص ضِحكة .. نُص فرحة .. نُص راحة

 One of my most favorite quotes ever for Gibran Khalil Gibran:

لا تجالس أنصاف العشاق، ولا تصادق أنصاف الأصدقاء، لا تقرأ لأنصاف الموهوبين،لا تعش نصف حياة، ولا تمت نصف موت،لا تختر نصف حل، ولا تقف في منتصف الحقيقة، لا تحلم نصف حلم، ولا تتعلق بنصف أمل، إذا صمتّ.. فاصمت حتى النهاية، وإذا تكلمت.. فتكلّم حتى النهاية، لا تصمت كي تتكلم، ولا تتكلم كي تصمت.
إذا رضيت فعبّر عن رضاك، لا تصطنع نصف رضا، وإذا رفضت.. فعبّر عن رفضك،
لأن نصف الرفض قبول.. النصف هو حياة لم تعشها، وهو كلمة لم تقلها،وهو ابتسامة أجّلتها، وهو حب لم تصل إليه، وهو صداقة لم تعرفها.. النصف هو ما يجعلك غريباً عن أقرب الناس إليك، وهو ما يجعل أقرب الناس إليك غرباء عنك.
النصف هو أن تصل وأن لاتصل، أن تعمل وأن لا تعمل،أن تغيب وأن تحضر.. النصف هو أنت، عندما لا تكون أنت.. لأنك لم تعرف من أنت، النصف هو أن لا تعرف من أنت.. ومن تحب ليس نصفك الآخر.. هو أنت في مكان آخر في الوقت نفسه.
نصف شربة لن تروي ظمأك، ونصف وجبة لن تشبع جوعك،نصف طريق لن يوصلك إلى أي مكان، ونصف فكرة لن تعطي لك نتيجة النصف هو لحظة عجزك وأنت لست بعاجز.. لأنك لست نصف إنسان.
أنت إنسان وجدت كي تعيش الحياة، وليس كي تعيش نصف حياة ليست حقيقة الإنسان بما يظهره لك.. بل بما لا يستطيع أن يظهره، لذلك.. إذا أردت أن تعرفه فلا تصغي إلى ما يقوله .. بل إلى ما لا يقوله

أحببتك أكثر مما ينبغي , وأحببتني أقل مما أستحق

تَجري الأيامُ سريعاً 
أسرعً مما ينبغي .. ظننتُ بأننا سنكون في عُمرنا هذا معاً .... وطفلنا الصغير يلعب بيننا
لكني أجلس اليوم بجوارك , أندبُ أحلامي الحمقى  ..غارقة في حُبي لك ..
ولا قدرة لي على انتشال بقايا أحلامي من بين حُطامك
أشعر وكأنك تخنقني بيدك القوية ياعزيز ! تخنقني وأنت تبكي حُباً
لا أدري لماذا تتركني عالقة بين السماءِ والأرض 
لكني أدرك أنك تسكنُ أطرافي .. وبأنك ( عزيزُ ) كما كُنت ..
أحببتك أكثر مما ينبغي , وأحببتني أقل مما أستحق

شو بخاف انت و هون فجأة تروح

Never Let Me Go

Looking out from underneath,
Fractured moonlight on the sea
Reflections still look the same to me,
As before I went under.

And it's peaceful in the deep,
Cathedral, where you cannot breathe,
No need to pray, no need to speak
Now I am under, Oh.

And it's breaking over me,
A thousand miles onto the sea bed,
Found the place to rest my head.

Never let me go, never let me go.

هذيان

مش معنى انى مبتكلمش فى السياسة انى مبيهمنيش و مش فارق معايا الناس اللى ماتت و مش معنى انى متبرعتش لبتوع الصومال و مستشفى سرطان الاطفال انى بنت وسخة معنديش قلب بس انا قفلت على نفسى و مبحبش افكر فى الحاجات دى الان انا كيانى الهش ميتحملش كل الحزن اللى فى العالم ده كفاية عليا الحزن اللى فى عالمى انا و مش انانية منى اكتر من انه خوف و لأنى عارفة انى اضعف من انى اغيّر العالم

عمرى ما كنت من الناس اللى شايلين هم العالم على كتفهم و بيحاولوا يعملوا فيه اى تغيير .. و اى توق للتغيير خلص من جوايا من سنين من ساعة اول كسرة قلب اول فشل اول خطة فشلت اول ما كبرت و عرفت انى معنديش اى سيطرة على حياتى و على اى حاجة بتحصلى و لو فاكر انك تقدر تغيّر و تتغير تبقى اهبل و عبيط عشان دايما هتحصل حاجة فجأة هتقلب كل حاجة فوق دماغ اللى جابوك و هتلاقى نفسك رجعت تانى لنفس النقطة اللى كنت فيها الاول نفس الضعف و العجز و الانكسار و احساس انك ولا حاجة 

احساس انى مُهمشة مبيفارقنيش ابدا بحس انى مُهمشة فى حياة كل اللى حواليا و فى حياتى انا شخصيا انا نفسى مش معترفة بوجودى و بيتهيألى كلكو دلوقتى شبه الواد بتاع بيريل و بتقولوا اه انا كمان عندى نفس المشكلة دى و احب اقولكوا ان اللى اكتشفتوا اننا كبشر كلنا بنخاف من اننا نتنسى بنهرب من احساس اننا مهمشين بأننا بندور على حد نستخبى فيه حد قال بقى يحبنا و يخلى باله مننا و يفضل معانا على طول .. نصنا التانى اللى بييجى يكملنا لفترة مؤقتة مهما طالت و وقت ما ييجى يمشى و ينفصل عننا فى حتة مننا بتنكسر معاه و احنا بنرجع نُصين منفصلين تانى و هكذا كل ما الوقت يمر ييجى نص جديد يكملنا شوية و ياخد حتة معاه و هو بينكسر عننا برضه و كل مدى احساسنا النقصان بيزيد من كتر الحتت اللى بتتكسر مننا ف حتى اللى بييجوا عشان يكملوك هينقصوك و لو بعد حين 

 التناقضات فشختنا .. دايما عايشين فى صراع يا مع نفسنا يا مع اللى حوالينا تايهين مش عارفين احنا مين ولا عايزين ايه تعبت من انى مش عارفة و مش واثقة تعبت من الشك فحاولت اعرف و برضه معرفتش فأستسلمت للجهل

حاولت ابقى كاملة .. حاولت احس بالاكتمال و فشلت فأستسلمت للنقصان

حاولت احب و احس قلبى اتكسر و فشلت فأستسلمت لتبلد المشاعر

حاولت ابقى صح معرفتش فحاولت ابقى غلط معرفتش فأستسلمت لما بينهما

حاولت اغير الواقع معرفتش فحاولت اتقبله برضه معرفتش فأنفصلت عنه و ابتديت اعيش فى دماغى

حاولت انسى ناس وحشانى مقدرتش فحاولت ارجعهم معرفتش فأستسلمت لشبح ذكرياتهم

و دلوقتى بحاول افتكر انا كنت عايزه اوصل ايه لما بدأت اكتب التدوينة ديه  بس مش قادرة افتكر 

ما علينا .. كل اللى اعرفه اننا غلابه اوى مكتوب علينا نعيش فى درجات الرمادى مش عارفين و مش واثقين و كل واحد ماسك فى قشاية متعلق بيها حسب دماغه و نزعته المتدين متعلق بربنا و العلمانى متعلق بعلمه و بتوع الفلانتين متعلقين بأمل الحب  و كله بيندرج تحت باب الامل .. الامل فى التغيير 

غلابة و عندنا نقص حنان و محتاجين نتحضن اكتر عشان احنا عايشين فى زمن ابن وسخة 

ف محدش يطلب منى اغير العالم و ابص للى اقل منى عشان احمد ربنا على اللى انا فيه .. سيبونى فى اللى انا فيه استسلمت و تأقلمت و اتقتنت الغرق فى الانكار و ادفن راسى زى النعامة بس فى الكتب مش فى الرمل و احجب عنى دوشة العالم بالمزيكا الحلوة و انفصلت عن الناس و الواقع

موّت نفسى بالحيا عشان اعرف اعيش 

البُعد عن الناس و مأساوايتها غنيمة 

احنا كائنات متناقضة لدرجة تقرف مليانين وساخة و فى نفس الوقت مليانين مبررات لوساختنا 

غيروا نفسكوا الاول انضفوا و الدنيا هتنضف و مش هيبقى فى مجاعات و حروب و ناس بتموت فى ناس

و لحد ده ما يحصل .. انا هبقى فى قوضتى 

اسمع مزيكا حلوة و اقرا و انفصل عن واقعكوا الزبالة 

يلا .. تصبحوا على بنى ادمين بيعرفوا يبقوا بنى ادمين

 

 

Ride

 I was in the winter of my life — and the men I met along the road were my only summer. At night I fell asleep with visions of myself dancing and laughing and crying with them. Three years down the line of being on an endless world tour and my memories of them were the only things that sustained me, and my only real happy times. I was a singer, not a very popular one, who once had dreams of becoming a beautiful poet — but upon an unfortunate series of events, saw those dreams dashed and divided like a million stars in the night sky that I wished on over and over again — sparkling and broken. But I didn’t really mind because I knew that it takes getting everything you ever wanted and then losing it to know what true freedom is.

When the people I used to know found out what I had been doing, how I had been living — they asked me why. But there’s no use in talking to people who have a home, they have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people, for home to be wherever you lie your head.

I was always an unusual girl, my mother told me I had a chameleon soul. No moral compass pointing due north, no fixed personality. Just an inner indecisiveness that was as wide and as wavering as the ocean. And if I said that I didn’t plan for it to turn out this way, I’d be lying — because I was born to be the other woman. I belonged to no one — who belonged to everyone, who had nothing — who wanted everything with a fire for every experience and an obsession for freedom that terrified me to the point that I couldn’t even talk about — and pushed me to a nomadic point of madness that both dazzled and dizzied me.

Every night I used to pray that I’d find my people — and finally I did — on the open road. We had nothing to lose, nothing to gain, nothing we desired anymore — except to make our lives a work of art. 

When you give me your favorite book and highlight the sentences you think I'd like.

أحَبيني بعيداً عِنْ بلِادِ القَهرِ والكَبتِ

هذيان

صوت كاميليا جبران و هى بتقول غريبة فى هذا العالم. كوبايات مرمية على الارض فاضية مش عارفة سكرت من اللى كان فيها ولا من ريحتك اللى كل ما نسمة هوا تيجى تجيبها و تجى تحاوطنى من كل ناحية. سيجارة مولعة فى ايدى بس مبشربهاش سايباها تتحرق و تاكل فى نفسها زى ما انا بتحرق و باكل فى نفسى من كتر ما انا مانعة نفسى عنك من كتر ما انا مش طايلاكى و انتى قدامى. عينيك فى عنيا. بصالك و بصالى و انتى عارفة ايه بيدور فى دماغى ونا عارفة انك عارفة و يمكن بيدور فى دماغك نفس الكلام و فضلت بصالك و بقولك بعنيا كل اللى نفسى اعمله و ازاى نفسى المسك بس مش جسمك خالص , المس روحك و اشمها و ابوس كل حتة فيها و احضنها اوى لحد ما تبقى هى و روحى واحد ادوب فيكى و كيانك يحاوطنى من كل حتة و نبقى كيان واحد وجود واحد حضور واحد .. يااه نفسى فى حاجات كتير اوى بس مش هعمل حاجة .. هفضل قاعدة كده اتفرج عليكى من قريب بس برضه مش بالقرب اللى نفسى فيه بس مقدرش اقرب اكتر من كدة ولا اقدر اشوه نقاءك بلمسة منى, و ازاى المسك اذا كانت موناليزا ديفينشى محفوظة فى متحف خلف اسوار و الكل يتعجب جمالها عن بعد امتار فكيف لى انا ان المسك و انتى موناليزا الخالق ؟

غريبة في هذا العالم..
غريبة ..
وفي الغربة وحدة قاسية..
ووحشة موجعة ..
غير أنها تجعلني أفكر أبداً
بوطن سحري لا أعرفه

وتملأ احلامي بأشباح أرض قصيّة ما رأتها عيني
غريبة في هذا العالم
وقد جبت مشارق الأرض ومغاربها
فلم أجد مسقط رأسي ولا لقيت من يعرفني ولا من يسمع بي

تَطرُف .. تَصَوُف .. عِبادهْ

' Libera Me '

 

 

 

 Libera me, Domine, de morte aeterna, in die illa tremenda:
Quando caeli movendi sunt et terra.
Dum veneris judicare saeculum per ignem.
Tremens factus sum ego, et timeo, dum discussio venerit, atque ventura ira.
Quando caeli movendi sunt et terra.
Dies illa, dies irae, calamitatis et miseriae, dies magna et amara valde.
Dum veneris judicare saeculum per ignem.
Requiem aeternam dona eis, Domine: et lux perpetua luceat eis.

Deliver me, O Lord, from death eternal on that fearful day,
when the heavens and the earth shall be moved,
when thou shalt come to judge the world by fire.
I am made to tremble, and I fear, till the judgment be upon us, and the coming wrath,
when the heavens and the earth shall be moved.
That day, day of wrath, calamity, and misery, day of great and exceeding bitterness,
when thou shalt come to judge the world by fire.
Rest eternal grant unto them, O Lord: and let light perpetual shine upon them

هذيان

و بقيت عامل زى سيجارة فى علبة سجايرهم شوية بين شفايفهم و روحك تبقى الدخان اللى بينفخوه  لحد ما تخلص و ميبقاش فاضل منك حاجة تترمي تحت جزمتهم  و يداس عليك و يشوفوا سيجارة تانية

انتظريني وضلّك صلّي .. الله كبير

بتذكر شو كنت تقلتلّي
مهما يصير
انتظريني وضلّك صلّي
الله كبير ..
من يوما شو عاد صار
ع مدى كذا نهار
ما صار شي كتير
كل اللي صار وبعدو بيصير
الله كبير ..

ذاكر قدّي قلتلّي
هالعمر إنو قصير
وإنو أنا ما في متلي
وحبّي أخير
من يوما شو عاد صار
ع مدى كذا نهار
ما صار شي كتير
كل اللي صار وبعدو بيصير

الله كبير

فى النُص

(1)

 

جاتلى فى وقت كنت محتاجاها فيه.. او هى كانت محتاجانى فيه .. مش عارفة مين محتاج مين بس انا كنت مبسوطة بوجودها فى حياتى. مكنتش عارفة هل علاقتى بيها هتنقذنى من الحضيض اللى كنت فيه ولا هتاخدني لحضيض اسوأ منه , حضيض و حفرة اعمق مش هعرف اطلع منها مهما حاولت, فى جميع الاحوال قررت اخوض التجربة , قررت اكون معاها لانى كنت عارفة انى محتاجة اكون معاها , وجودها فى حياتى هيعرفنى حاجات كتيرة انا محتاجة اعرفها , و فى دفاعى قدام نفسي قات ماهى مش اول غلطة اعملها , مانا ياما كدبت و مصلتش و مصومتش و شربت و حلفت و منفذتش حلفانى .. فيها ايه لما ازود عليها غلطة كمان ؟

 

هكذا كنت احدث نفسى عنها و انا اجلس ساكنة امام دفتر يومياتى و انا عاجزة عن الكتابة لا اعرف كيف اصوغ كلماتى اللى قلتها للتو لشىء ادبى لاكتبه فى دفتري 

 

لم تكن ميً اولى خطواتى للجحيم , فكما ذكرت مسبقا لم اترك خطيئة فى دينى الذى ولدت عليه الا و انغمست فيها حتى فقدت الامل فى نفسي و فقدت الامل  في ان اكون من اهل الجنة الذين تركوا دنياهم و انشغلوا بدينهم و خافوا ربهم فأقاموا صلاته و نفذوا تعاليمه بالحرف , فأنا بعيدة كل البعد عن هذا و ذاك و فى وجهة نظرى ليس لأنى مخلوقة جاحدة تتكبر عن السجود لخالقها و تظن انها افضل من ان تخافه بل لانى ارتكبت الجريمة الكبرى و التى طالما حذرنا منها كبار الشيوخ و هى انى فكرًت .. استخدمت هذا العضو المفكر داخل جمجتى العظمية و توصلت انى مش المفروض اخاف من من خالقى و لكن علاقتنا لابد ان تقوم على الاحترام لذلك سياسة الترهيب و هتدخلوا النار لو معملتوش ده او لو عملتوا ده لم تفلح معى بل فشلت فشلا ذريعا فجعلنتنى اكره اى قناة دينية او درس دينى و لا لست ملحدة و لم اكفر و لكنى .. دعونى اصنفنى ك غير مؤمنة بأله الجميع و لكننى امنت برب اخر .. رب يحبنى و اعلم ما بنفسي و سيسامحى و يغفر لى خطاياي و زلاتى و ضعف نفسى .. قررت ان اؤمن به حتى استطيع التعايش مع نفسى بدون ان اكفر او افقد صوابى

 

تعلمت ان اتقبلنى مع مرور الوقت , ان اتقبل شذوذى الفكرى و ميولى الغريبة و احبنى كما انا فأصبحت على علاقة جيدة مع نفسى و مرضها و رغباتها الغريبة و متفهمونيش غلط عندما اقول رغبات , فأنا بالذات رغباتى بعيدة كل البعد عن اى منحنى جنسى و شهوانى بالعكس فهذا يتنافى تماما مع محاولاتى بأن اكون انسانة فى زمن الحيوانات زمن غلبت عليه الشهوة و الرُخص فشذوذى كان شذوذ فكرى قبل ان يكون جنسى و ليس كل شذوذ شيء سىء بل نحن كبشر بطبيعتنا نكره و نخاف اي شىء اي شىء جديد او مختلف و لكن انا تخلصت من هذا الخوف و قررت ان اكون شاذة و من يكره ان يكون مختلف و فر يد من نوعه

 

اول بوادر شذوذى الفكرى بدأت فى ان تفكيرى مش ذى كل البنات اللى فى سنى و هو انى اتجوز و يكونلى بيتى و اولادى و اسرتي و حياه مع زوج صالح او مش صالح و لكن كل هذا لم يكن فى اعتبارى مع انى لا انكر انه فى فترة من فترات حياتى كان هذا كل ما اريد و كان حلمى هو بيت صغير يتقفل عليا انا و حبيب القلب بتاع ثانوى و اعيش معاه فى تبات و نبات فى الحلال - و حط خمسين خط تحت فى الحلال دى - و نخلف صبيان و بنات , و لسخرية القدر نفس الشخص ده هو اللى كرهنى فى الجواز و الحب و الصبيان و البنات و الجو الرخيص ده , ما علينا هنتكلم عليه بعدين 

 

خلونى اعرفكوا بيا الاول , انا امل , رغم ان انا معرفش طعم الامل ولا معناه ولا عايزة اعرف انا كويسة كدة . مصرية و انسة تقول بطاقتى رغم ان الاتنين ميفرقوش معايا اوى , للاسف انا مش فخورة بمصريتى ولا شايفاها زودتلى حاجة بس نقصتنى كتير و انسة مش شايفة انها معيار للحكم على اى بنت ف المفروض تتشال من البطاقة زى مسلم و مسيحى كده بس عشان انا عارفاكوا دماغكوا وسخة و هتقولوا بتقول كده عشان هى اكيد مش انسة ولا غلطت مع بتاع ثانوى لأ مغلطتش انسة بمعايركوا و بنت بنوت بقوانينكوا رغم ان مش مقياس فى قوانينى و معاييرى انا , اتممت الاثنان و عشرين عاما منذ فترة وجيزة و انا فى قانون امى عانس عانس عانس فعندما كانت هى فى الثانية و العشرين من عمرها كانت بأحدى مستشفيات القاهرة تضعنى و تنجح محاولاتى احيانا فى اقناعها ان الزمن اتغير و تفشل احيانا اكثر عندما تذكرنى ان جمالى غير دائم و تقص حكاية جارتنا سعاد التى كانت صاحبة مال و جمال و لكن من رفضها للعرسان ولاد الحلال و عدم تفكيرها بالموضوع اصبحت الان عانس وحيدة و لم تنفعها عيونها الخضرا ولا فلوسها على حد قول امى و لكنى لم اكترث فأنا حررت نفسي من قيود المجتمع اعيش بقوانينى انا ولا اسمح لمجتمع او شخص ان يملى على افعالى لانى علمت جيدا ان نفس هذا المجتمع و نفس الاشخاص الذين املوا علي افعالي لن يكونوا معى حين ينهار كل هذا على رأسى فققرت ان اعيش وفق قوانينى انا ليس لأنى انسانة متمردة بل لأنى افكر و طالما انا راضية عن افعالى و سوف اتحمل نتيجتها لوحدي يبقي كس ام المجتمع

 

تبا لقد نسيت ان اضيف على قائمة ذنوبى لساني البذيء .. نعم استعمل الفاظ وقحة و بذيئة لا تناسب تعليمى العالى بكلية الهندسة التى اعجز عن الخروج منها حتى الان رغم بقائي فيها لمدة 6 سنوات  .. نعم اسب و العن فى مجتمع يحلل السب و اللعن للرجال فقط .. مجتمع كرهته بكل كيانى , كرهت ظلمه و تعسفه ضد طائفة معينة منه لمجرد ان اعضائهم التناسلية مختلفة و صدورهم اكبر فأصبحت نساءه مجرد مخلوقات وُجدوا لمتعة الرجل ولا اقصد فقط لمتعة زوجها فهذا رجل على الاقل يتمتع بشىء حقه و لكنى اتكلم عن مخلوق احقر و ادنى و هو ذاك الرجل الذى نعرفه كلنا و احتكننا بيه فى احدى شوارع بلادنا مهما اختلفت المحافظات و مهما اختلف سنه و مهما اختلف مركزه الاجتماعى, هذا الذي يجردنى من ملابسي بنظرة عنيه و يخدش حيائي بوقاحة كلماته واذا اشتكيت يعيب على المجتمع و يقول هى اللى لابسة بنطلون ضيق او هى ايه اللى وداها هناك .. يبقى كس امه ولا مش كس امه ؟

 

اعتقد الان بدأتوا تعرفونى او اعطيتكم نبذة صغيرة عنى .. انا انسانة .. او بقايا انسانة بمعنى اصح ففى مراحل حياتى التى ليست بكثيرة قابلت كثير من الاشخاص الذين جاءوا و رحلوا بقطع من كيانى و ظللت انا مكانى , مر على الكثيرون  و تركونى و مضوا بحياتهم لدرجة انى بدأت اقتنع انى مثل الاستراحات التى نراها على الطرق التى يقف الناس عندها ليستريحوا من وهن الطريق يأخذون منها ما يحتاجون ليكلموا رحلتهم و تظل هى مكانها خاوية وحيدة منتظرة اخرون ليمروا عليها فيعطوها بعض السعادة اللحظية و يتركوها و يمضوا .. هكذا كنت انا استراحة على هيئة انسان جاء الكثيرون و بقوا لبعض الوقت و رحلوا .. فتعودت على الوداع تعودت ان السعادة لحظات غير دائمة تعودت اللا انتظر من احد ان يبقى و تعودت ان لا اعتاد حتى جائت هي , ميٌ , التى جلبت الأمل الى حياة أمل 

          

GIVE. ME. ALL. OF. YOUR. LOVE. NOW

Things I Wanna Do Before I Die

1- Read a 100 books.
2- Attend a concert for Coldplay.
3- Dye my hair red, Florence Welch red.
4- Have a baby girl, a cute one.
5- Have a summer fling with an italian guy in Italy.
6- Have a tour around Europe.
7- Kiss someone I love at night under The Tower Eifel.
8- Visit Castle Zaman in Taba, Sinai.
9- Date a girl.
10- Spend 10 days in bed in the arms of someone I love just eating and watching our favorite movies.
11- Write a book.
12- Change someone's life.
13- Finish college. LOL
14- Have my own house.
15- Be able to forgive the people that hurt me and ask for forgiveness from the people I hurt a long the process.
16- I wish I can feel true happiness once again, before I die.
17- Be able to believe again, in anything.
18- Make peace with myself.

Return, my love.

And The Harlot Fell In Love With The Nun

I just sat there, on the chair across the bed, watching the morning light reflecting on her naked body, with an ungranted wish inside of me that time would freeze , or for her to stay asleep for a longer period , I didn't want her to wake up and start questioning why she is naked on my bed, what happened and what didn't, and I would start lying and saying nothing happened , you just got too drunk while we were  playing cards and I won and dared you to take off all your clothes and you did, then some time during the night you fainted on my bed.
When in fact everything happened, everything I ever wanted since the day I met her, I still remember the very first day I saw her, I could have swore that she is an angel without wings, her milky white skin, her breath taking smile, I didnt believe in love from the first sight until I met her, from the very first day I knew that she will be my most favorite person in all the people I knew, but I never thought I would ever look at her this way, want her that way, I mean this kind of love is frowned upon in all religions , in all civilisations and in all traditions , even in my own beliefs, but time changed everything.
We started as friends, just friends, but I wanted more, so we became best friends, then I kept wanting more, it's like I couldn't get enough of her , but what kind of  'more' can two girls have in a country when straight normal love between a man and a woman is forbidden if they are not married. And then again, even if I am okay with being damned , what about her? I didn't exaggregate when I said she is an angel, because she really is, all her life she has been walking a straight line and never drifted, she was my exact opposite, so obviously the cliche of "opposites attract" is correct afterall.
She represented everything that's white, and I was everything that's black. Her light could brighten a moon-less night, and my darkness could dim an August sun. She only does what's right, and I am made of wrongs and mistakes. So I knew it was impossible for what I had in mind to happen. I mean, I was no lesbian but she was irresistable to me, it's like I kept waiting for so long for something I didn't know what it is, and when she came along I knew, it was her.
My love for her was true and pure, so true and unconditional it didn't care about her gender, her religion or why we can't be. I fell in love with her soul, I fell in love with her purity and I wanted to make her the happiest person alive, I knew she loved me too, but of course not the way I loved her, her innocent pure heart cannot step to this twisted dark area even if deep down she wants to.
Days went by, and I kept growing fonder for her and my love grew bigger and more apathetic about why this is so wrong, it was so big that I started wanting to take whatever this is to the next level regardless what will happen afterwards, I finally asked her out, but of course I didn't say "would you go out on a date with me?" all I said that I want to take her out because she has been a very good friend lately and of course she innocently agreed. I took her to a French restaurant I knew she would love, because I knew how she likes everything that is french and everything that is classy , and she did love it, she loved the atmosphere so much , she loved the food and she loved everything about the place, while having desserts she looked at me and said that she loves me, I knew she meant it in innocent friendly way, but nothing was innocent or friendly about my " I love you too, baby girl " reply . Hours went by and the sweet talks kept flowing, until it was time to take her home and just before she leaves my car , she leaned and kissed me on the cheek and said that she loves me, at that point I gathered all my self control to not rape those yummy lips of hers and just said that I loved her too, and asked her what if she wants to go away with me for a couple of days and stay in this new resort we heard about in the weekend, she gladly welcomed the idea not knowing what I had in mind for her, not knowing how I wanna love her in some ways that can be against the law.
I won't be lying if I said that I was counting minutes not days till the weekend came, I wore a morning dress I specifically bought for this weekend with her, and that sexy perfume she loves, it will be me, her and the only man who never let me down, Jack Daniels.
We spent the day at the beach, I wore my sexiest bikini, I wanted her to look at my body, I wanted her to touch my naked skin and get used to the idea of seeing me almost naked in front of her and I got a bikini for her, at first she refused to wear it, and i knew this would happen, considering she is veiled and spent most of her life covered from head to toe and now I am asking her to walk around almost naked infront of everyone, I wanted to see her , I wanted to eye fuck every part of her, I wanted to touch her bare skin and I already took the decision that I will at any cost, I kept arguing with her saying that no one know us there, that she is her to let go and have fun, I poured some of the bottle of JD into her coke cup and told her to forget about everything , we are here to relax.
Eventually I convinced her and she put on the bathing suit , I let her walk in front of me, I wanted to check every part of her, and think of the ways I am gonna violate each and every untouched part of them tonight. As we took the shortcut to the beach, men were giving us those hungry looks that had always disgusted me more than anything else and women were rolling their eyes so I knew we looked so good, but wait a minute, Why the fuck they are looking at her? She is mine, I regreted talking her into this bikini before we even reach the beach, no one is allowed to touch her or look at her but me. I tried to get over my jealousy so she doesn't notice anything. We finally reached the beach, we laid there next to each other on the sand, talking and laughing , and after her third drink I started noticing the she is getting more and more relaxed and uhmm .. drunk is the word yes. And if you think I am getting her drunk to make my job a lot easier to make her agree to that bad bad thing in my mind, you are completly right. Another hour went by with us talking and drinking, as she reached for her 12th drink , I held her hand and told her "Baby girl, I guess that's enough for you" "Why? It feels so good, and the more I drink the more I want more" " Because you are getting drunk Angel, that's why" I said with a wide smile on my face because of how cute she is "And why aren't you drinking, Angel" " Because I had enough, and Angel? I am no angel baby girl, just you" " No, you are" she mumbled in her drunk voice.
Oh, bless your heart baby girl, the only angel I can be is Lucifer. If only you know what I have in mind for you, and I didn't need to drink, I  was already drunk on you. The sun started to set, so I told her we should get back to the hotel to change. We walked our way back to the hotel with my hands around her shoulders and her body pressed against mine, she had way too much drinks to be able to walk on her own and I enjoyed holding her in my arms infront of everyone, I wish I could do so everyday from now on till the day I die, I really loved her and I didn't wanna fuck her, I just wanted to get intimate with her, I wanted to make her happy, I wanted to give her soul orgasms not just sexual orgasms, I wanted to give her the world. she cut my train of thoughts by a kiss she was trying to print on my cheeks but her drunk body failed her and ended up kissing me on my neck. Her kiss set fire to my half drunk body , I couldn't help it but move my hands up and down her back, kissed her forehead, and started walking faster back to the hotel, I wanted her and I WILL have her NOW.
We finally reached the hotel, I almost dragged her into the elevator because of how drunk she was, our room was in the tenth floor,while we are going up, in the second floor exactly, she looked at me with her wide brown eyes and smiled and said that she loves me, I couldn't resist that angelic beauty anymore, I leaned and snuck a kiss off those virgin lips of her, she was too drunk to think to know how to react, and I didn't wait for her to react, I pushed her to the wall and started eating her lips, she tasted better than chocolate and strawberries, I couldn't make myself stop, I was so hungry for her, I craved her so many nights and now she is right here, between my hands, she surrendered her drunken virgin body of her in my hands, I held her hands and guide her to our room after the elevator's door opens, we finally reached our room, I slammed the door shut with the " Don't Disturb" sign on. I didn't want anyone to disturb me while I am in heaven, she sat on the bed, with her eyes looking at me wondering what's next and her sense of right and wrong is drunk thanks to my one and only Jack Daniels, I walked towards her took off the little dress she was wearing over her bikini, and took off that bikini as well, she wasn't resisting but she wasn't doing anything as well, it's like she was there as a third person, watching me seeing and touching what no body has ever seen or touched, I laid her on her back on her bed and laid on top of her, I started kissing her again , her lips were smooth and glossy like a clementine, I took my clothes off , I wanted to feel connected to her in ever possible way, I moved from kissing her lips to her neck, and as I move down , I could hear her breathing getting higher, until she released her very first moan, that drove me crazy, I kissed every inch of her body, I went down on her and done things I never imagined myself doing. I don't know for how long I kept messing with her sweet innocent body but her orgasmic screams always told me that I've done a great job. And after everytime she comes, I remember that soon enough she will sober up and this might be the last time I touch her again, so I start all over again, Until it was almost midnight, we showered together, Just me and her, standing under a hot stream of water, with her breasts pressed against mine, and my arms around her, I just stole a kiss every now and then, she looked so tired and of course she should be, I've been playing with her angelic body for the past 4 hours at least. Once I took her to bed after the shower, she fell asleep immediatly between my arms. I reached over to my pack of cigarettes and lit one, guilt started to kick in, Oh Shit! What have I done? Was I that selfish to scar an innocent heart like hers with such an experience, She will never forgive herself or even worse she will lose her self respect, I know how she will feels, I felt that exactly after the first guy who messed with my untouched body and then walked away a year later, leaving me feeling as cheap as a 10$ whore, but .. I love her and I really didn't do so because of anything sexual, I just wanted to feel connected to her on a higher level. I felt so disgusted from myself, What makes me different now from all the men that always wanted to fuck me and take our relationship to "the next level" and leave after they get bored or even worse men who dump me when I say no to that so called next level. I hated myself so much, I slipped away from her arms and put my clothes on, of course I won't leave but I didn't want her to wake up to find herself in such position, I didn't want her to feel the shame I always felt right after a man finds his way with me. I sat on the chair across the bed all night long, I smoked two packs of cigarettes while praying to that God I lost faith in long ago, if he exists to make the alcohol powerful enough to make baby girl forget whatever happened tonight, not for me, I know I am a sinner and you gave up on me long ago, but for her, that innocent angel that all her fault that a damned person like me loved her, I didn't want her to remember, I didn't want to stain her milky white innocence with my tar black actions. I stared at her for hours and hours until the morning sun came up, oh , here she opened her eyes, for a fragment of a second she didn't know where she is, and then she realized that she is naked, She looked at me wondering why she is naked in my bed as I expected. I faked a laugh and said "baby girl you got so drunk yesterday and when I dared you to take off all your clothes you did!" Signs of relief showed on her face and she smiled and said " I had the wierdest dream" " I hope it was a wet one" " it was, and it was about you, we must stop hanging out so much because obviously my subconscious is turning lesbian because of you" I threw her clothes at her while saying " Hahahaha, if you are up for it you know I'm ready" she laughed as usual and told me her usual " Shut up " that she says whenever she gets shy.
She left to the bathroom to shower and get ready for the drive back home, and I stared to myself at the mirror while I was brushing my hair, not sure if I am thankful because she didn't remember and she won't hate me or herself, or bitter because , again, one more time, I had to give up something I love , something that made me happy and hopeful, I wanted to go all over the world with her, kiss her in everytime zone and spend the rest of my life trying to make her the second happiest girl in the world, because definitely the most happy girl will be me because I am with her. But deep down I was relieved she didn't remember, I wouldn't have been able to live with myself if I hurt her even if on an emotional level. I love her so much,  but I have to let her live normally. I need to step away before she remembers anything and hates me, I have to walk away. I will miss her, but I love her enough to let her go.

THE BIG, BIG BANG

Dear Friend,



you have been missed, missed like a traveller would miss his warm bed after a two year trip around the world. They say that there is no place like home, well for the past two months you have been home to me in every aspect. You reminded me of how it is to feel safe. How it is to feel like you belong to something. And now I'm back again to square one, which is in my bed in my case. It hit me in the face, how what I am feeling right now is a deja vu of a previous heart break, me walking up really early after a restless sleep, checking my phone to find zero missed calls from you, not even a text , nothing that might even let me know how did your night go, I could swear I almost felt my heart sighing inside of me.
But wait a minute! How come it's reminding me of a heart break when we are just umm .. friends ? Oh so here is where it went bad, you are just like fire my friend, you give warmness from a safe distance but when I got closer I got burnt, Yes here I am admitting it .. I got burnt and that's when I started to ruin it and take the defensive attitude, didn't know if I was trying to prove to myself or to you , that I won't be like all your other girls , those girls you used to tell me about, who got too close and that's when you took a step back, I got so scared I might be one of this flop sequel of your victims, I'm too proud to be a victim , I would die before you pity me , will I be one of the girls you tell your next " friend " about ? All of these thoughts in my head made me scared, yes I got scared, that's why the more I wanted you the more I pulled away, Whatever I wanted to say to you to I said to your friend, whenever I wanted to come see you I dared myself to not to, I was just protecting myself from you, because I knew that even if you protected me from the whole world , when it comes to you , you will simply step on me.
Maybe I'm sick as you told me a couple of days ago, and yes I agree, even emotinal scars can get infected if you don't look after them, and if you see my naked soul you will know how many scar I'm hiding under that heartless apathetic cloak I always wear.
And you are blaming me for making you feel less special ? Yes I admit I did so, but imagine that's how I always felt , that's how I always felt when you tell me about her, that's how I felt each time I wanted to come talk to you and I couldn't because she was there , I know , i know, before you say that I knew about her all along before we start any of this but it all hurt just the same.

it's all my fault. I am not blaming you, it's my bad I couldn't put my shit together and keep the safe distance , I crossed that red line between just wanting you and needing you, so here you go, I'll tell you what you and I already know, I think you are amazing, I just love everything about you ( except her, actually i despise her ) , I love how you always understand me, I love how you touch me , I love how you talk to me , I love how you teach me things , I love how weak I feel infront of you, the goddess in me is just a slave captivated by your presence, if i could have anyone in this entire world I'd choose you, yes you among anyone in this world, I wish I could experience how it feels to be yours, and let you know how would it feel to be mine so you could know the difference, I would put my entire world under your feet, and let you step on it whenever you want, I'll satisfy your ego , I'll do whatever you ask for , I can even begin to describe .. if only ..
but I know that won't happen .. but I miss you .. and I hate how things are now between us .. and i miss you .. I miss how we used to be .. I wish there was anything I can do so we can go back when it first started and get stuck in it for the rest of our lives. I don't want to lose you .. as much as I want you back , but you have to understand , I was scared of you , I knew that either I will end up with a broken heart , or a bruised ego. And obviously I chose my ego over my heart with the defensive little girl attitude that I was trying to protect myself with.. but I miss you .. so please if you could like .. come back .. forget all about what I did .. and start over .. as if we just met each other .. i miss you .. come back if you can .. or just give me a gesture that you still want us to be friends .. not this kind of friends we are now .. i mean friends .. like we used to be .. I miss you .. I wish I could just kidnap you and take you and leave this shitty life , you will never have to do anything .. I'll make you a star in my universe .. I wish you knew how much I love you .. I wish I didn't go crazy and ruin eveything between us .. I wish I stopped suspecting you and your intentions like I do with everyone .. but forgive me , my friend , my dignity is all I've got left. 


BR,
Your Friend
(That misses you )

It's 5 o'clock in the morning, and I want ya & you want me, don't ya?

Life as I see it

If I had full control on my life and how I wanted it to be, It'd be me living Europe, preferably in Paris or Rome, where I own a little restaurant with a 50s theme , pictures of Edith Piaf, Marylin Monrie, Frank Sinatra, Ingrid Bergman, Audrey Hepburn, Sophia Lauren and all of these amazing artist from this era will be all over the wall, the restaurant only plays either old songs and vey few of the recent indie songs.
I'd be in love, madly irreversibly in love, with that guy I fell in love with from the very first sight and he knew he only wants to kiss me , only me for the rest of his life. We live in a cozy apartment , with wooden floors, with very few furniture and some cozy rugs on the floor, because I love space and hate stuffing any room with useless pieces of extra furniture, so in our living room, it was just a sofa, a TV and a little table in the middle. My sweetheart hated extra furniture too because he loved chasing me all around the place and do the nasty nasty in every corner of the room, then after we drown in sweet love on the floor of our living room, I manage to escape his hands and go to our bedroom, with the huge bed in the middle and pictures of both of us all over the walls of the room, my darling believed that we need to capture every sweet memory so in the rough times we just look at these pictures and they will immediatly take us back to that sweet moment , and he was right, my darling is always right, one day we were behind in paying rent and had a really bad week at the restaurant , both of us were tired and weary from life's responsiblities , lying in bed each of us facing a different side , I look at the wall to find this time i took his pictures while he was shaving topless and it immediatly took me back to that day when he took the camera away from my hand and kissed me and got shaving cream all over me, I found myself smiling and turning on my other side to face him and hugged him real tight and told him how much i love him , through the thick and thin, I will always love him and be there for him, he looked at me and said that it only annoys him that he cannot afford to give me the life a princess like me deserves, i hug him and say enough with the drama sweet love, How about we fuck the misery away ? He laughes and say; How I love my naughty bad bad princess! I reply with a naughty smile; She won't love you if you keep her waiting.
That's how I wish my life was, a job I love, little money and lots of love, sex and laughter

The Jerk by Jeffrey McDaniel

 This is my all time favorite poem ,kind of remind me of someone,  I though I'd share it with you:

Hey you , dragging the halo
How about a holiday in the islands of grief?

Tongue is the word I wish to have with you.
Your eyes are so blue they leak.

Your legs are longer than a prisoner's last night on death row.
I'm filthier than a coal miner's bathtub,
and nastier than the breath of Charles Bukowski.

You're a dirty little windsheild

I'm standing behind you on the subway,
hard as calculus, my breath be sticking on your neck like graffiti.

I'm standing opposite to you in the bar,
waiting for you to uncross your boundaries.

I want to rip off your logic,
and make passionate sense to you.

I want to ride in the swing of your lips.

My fingers will dig in you like quotation marks,
blazing your limbs into parts of speech.

But with me for a lover, you won't need catastrophes,
What attracted me in the first place will ultimately make me resent you.

I'll start telling you lies,
and my lies will sparkle,
become the bad stars you chart your life by.

I'll stare at other women so blatantly,
you will hear my eyes peeling.

Because sex with you is like Great Britain:
Cold, groggy and a little uptight.

Your bed is a big, soft calculator,
where my problems multiply.

Your brain is a garage,
I park my bullshit in, for free.

You are not really my new girlfriend,
Just another flop sequel of the first one,
who was based on the true story of my mother.

You are so ugly I forgot how to spell.

You're the 'this' we need to put an end to,
The more you apologize, the less I forgive you.

So how about it? 

The Positive Side Of Addiction

" I admire addicts. In a world where everybody is waiting for some blind, random disaster or some sudden disease, the addict has the comfort of knowing what will most likely wait for him down the road. He has taken full control over his ultimate fate, and his addiction keeps the cause of his death from being a total surprise " 

Tune of the day ♥

I'm Hungry For You, My Love

I'm still writing about you, which can never be a good sign. You are occupying a huge portion of my feelings and my thoughts which is not good, yes I repeat it's not good, it's scary and I don't know what to do. I can't go back now, there is no turning back now, and to be honest with you , I don't want to turn back. I'm enjoying every minute I waste on you, and yes I said waste because I know there is no outcome of the time and effort I'm spending on you but I don't care, I really don't. If only you know how I feel when you are not around, the minute I step and I don't find you around , it just feels weird , my eyes keeps wandering until I finally see you and Hallelujah! How safe I feel around you scares me , resisting to hug you every time I see you is getting harder everyday, I just love how you smell , how you look like , how you talk, how you walk , how you do those crazy moves I never see them coming, I even love the lame unfunny jokes you tell me which cracks me up just because you said them, I love the occasional accidental touches between us , I love how you can guide me through anything, I love how you understand me and how you got me all figured out , I love how productive our conversations are , and I adore how at the same time they can be the most useless non sense. I love how comfortable you make me feel , When I am around you , talking to you , I simply feel okay.. And I stopped feeling okay long ago .. You make me feel whole again, I know I'm screwed .. because I'm pretty sure what I'm feeling is not a mutual thing, I know guys like you, guy who take full control over their heart, I know the day you will fall for me is the day the sun comes up from the west side of the sky. And don't get me wrong, I'm not blaming you, I knew this from the start, I've known it all along, You will be just another break in my heart, but this time it's totally my fault, because I asked for it, I needed you, you came to me at the exact right time, that time when I needed something to shake me down to my core , something that will make me feel again , but you know what? I hate that these feelings are just temporary, I hate that you will have to go after few months , I hate how you are not mine , I hate how she have the priority in your life because obviously she is the one you chose long ago , I hate how I will never have a chance with you, I hate how I will never get to call you mine , I hate how I will never call myself yours, I hate how you will never take me to the movies like you take her and how I will never get to walk around everywhere with you holding hands because I just can't get enough of you , I hate how your arms will never be my safe place to go to no matter how much I wish they were because they are her safe place ,I hate how weak and vulnerable I feel in front of you, I hate how you mind fuck me , I hate how you play me and you know that you do ,  I hate you , I hate everything about you .. No, I don't .. and you know I don't .. I can never hate you, you are so special to me and so dear to my heart and I'd kill anyone who even think of messing with your mood and I know you think I hate her, When I don't .. I totally don't. I simply hate that she gets to have you and I don't , she has the only thing that I need but I can't get. that's right , I do need you  but I can't say it and I won't because I'm not supposed to need you or want you or even think of you or even write this whole goddamn thing .. I just needed to let it out .. although I know I'll regret that later and I'd come here on this blog and delete every post I mentioned you in to forget about this time right now .. I don't know what's so charming about you? Is it really you have such an amazing character and you are that perfect ? or is it me and my love for forbidden fruits all over again .. either this or that , here I'm writing about you when I know you don't even waste half of the time I'm wasting on you thinking of me .. for you I'm just a spring breeze in your hot summer day .. something to break the boredom .. some buzz at the end of your lousy day .. But I don't care .. for the mean time I'll settle for that.. If that will keep you close.

You Are No Good For Me, But Baby I Want You

Yes, you. I've been wasting a lot of time and energy on you lately and I know it's useless but I don't care anyway, you are with someone else. I know it, you know it and I just don't know what is going on between us. The endless late night conversations, the weird chemistry we have and don't get me started about the sexual tension between us. GOD save me from me!  I can't say that I love you, because I can't and I won't. But what I can say is that I love everything about you. I love how silly you are. I love how you make me laugh about each and everything no matter how unfunny it's. I love how you have a great taste of music. I love how educated you are and how we can have productive conversations. I love how I know if I need advice about anything I'll come running for your opinion. I love seeing you smile, it simply makes my day. I love how you pay me attention. I love how you think that I am sexy. I love your smell, your scent is my favorite perfume. I love it when you come say Hi to me at work in the morning. I love how foul mouthed you are. I love the weird expressions you come up with while we are talking. I love how you are there for me whenever I need you. I loved how you comforted me when I was crying. I just love how close we are and how we have no walls between us whatsoever. Believe it or not, you are one of my most favorite people on Earth.I hate that you are hers. Not because she is not good for you, I don't know her enough to judge. But because I will never have a chance with you. We will never get to live our ups and downs. I will never get to have this angry make out session with you after that huge fight but then we couldn't stay upset at one another. I will never get to dream with you of how our life together will be. I will never know how it feels to be yours. I bet it feels good.How safe I feel around you scares the living hell out of me. I shouldn't be this attached to you since I know it's a matter of months till you go POOF from my life. I won't fall asleep to your voice everyday. I won't look forward to going to work everyday because I know we will never be the same again but you know what? Fuck it. I will just enjoy your yumminess as much as I can because tomorrow isn't guaranteed. If I learned anything from last year it will be that planning ahead never works. God works in mysterious ways and life takes the strangest curves that's why I decided that I will just live it as it is. Day by day, who knows what might happen tomorrow. You are a great friend of mine and I know I have enough of self control that will make me preserve our friendship by not falling for every bit and piece of you. But you know, preventing myself from pushing you to a wall and frenching the hell out of you every time I see you, is harder than you think, my friend. 

Just Feel It, Then Heal It, Then You Will Move On

You just have to feel it and then you will move on. A phrase I once heard I am not sure whether in Greys Anatomy or what exactly, but how true it is shocked me. How we always ignore what we are feeling and refrain from believing it already happened and just keep living in denial and hence in pain for longer than we should.Break ups are hard, dramatic and painful, but if you find yourself in one , wipe all the tears and clean all the candy wraps and have an honest talk with yourself, ask yourself what the fuck did you do? and what the fuck are you doing? and what the fuck will you do? What the fuck did you do to cause this break up? did you had a hand in doing this? did you have a good thing with that person and you ruined? long story short, was it your fault? and please don't guilt yourself into it, answer an honest answer without creating excuses for that other person, if your answer was NO , then let's move to the other question, What the fuck you are doing? Why are you crying over someone who willingly chose not to be with you? I'm not saying that you shouldn't cry , all i'm saying is not to cry over someone who broke your heart, cry over the time you have wasted , cry over yourself when you chose to ignore all the red flags that have been raised during your relationship and you stayed anyway. Next question will be what the fuck you will do? Which is the most important question among all, What will you do afterwards? I certainly wish that your answer won't be I'll try to win him back , What will you do next with your life afterwards is the most important phase. How long will you stay wallowing and reminiscing about what was there?As humans, and specially girls , we tend to ex aggregate, we dig the drama and it's true ,  I sometimes surprise myself by how much of a drama queen I can be, I'm not saying ignore your feelings , all I am saying if you thought of the situation with your brains , you will find everything replaceable , that boy that left you, that job you lost, and what's most important that you should never cry over something that you lost, yes cry for a couple of days but don't give it more than it deserves , think of what you are gonna do next to feel better, don't wallow in your sorrow and ruin tomorrow with yesterday's incidents, Tomorrow will only be better if you wanted it to be , you won't feel better unless you want to. it's the power of your own will, if you learned to think rationally in everything you will never feel any pain. Annoyed over this guy who you just broke up with?  Where the fuck is he? Unless he is trying to win you back then you shouldn't waste another minute on him, Life is too short to waste it on people who doesn't appreciate us, Life is god's greatest gift to us , you should spend it being happy , and its your choice its all in your hands , being pathetic and helpless is a choice not a disability.

He Is Just Not That Into You

Lately I've been reading this book ' He Is Just Not That Into You ' for Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo , and may I say it's a must read for all girls , it's the no- excuses truth to understanding guys for real, it tells you exactly when to walk away from this relationship because it's not going anywhere even if it's a long term one. Sometimes us - girls - we want a relationship to work so bad that we start creating excuses in our heads for why he has been treating us like shit lately , why he doesn't call when he say he will call , why he is not the same caring loving person we first fell in love with , why he doesn't do what he promises to do, and a lot of whys we choose to ignore because we are afraid from the truth, we are afraid to ask them because the answer will always be that ' he is just not that into you '.
But to be honest, this book really taught me a lot, it taught me how I should never settle for less, always know what I'm worth and never compromise, know when exactly to say enough is enough , and I will write about all the guys I've met or at least went out in a date with them once and when exactly I knew that I'm simply not that into them or they are not that into me , I will write about them in Episodes maybe I'll just call them ' He is Just not that into me ' so wait for them.
But again girls , I insist this book is a MUST read , it will make your love life much more easier , it answers all the questions you are afraid to ask , it's the dating bible for us women , after reading it , you will know exactly if he is a keeper or he is just a dickhead you need to dump as soon as possible.
Here are some quotes I really liked from the book and thought I would share them with you girls :


* He's just not that into you if he is not asking you out , because if he likes you, trust me he will be asking you out.
* If you can find him, then he can find you. If he wants to find you , he will.
* You are good enough to be be asked out.
* Don't let the "honeys" and the "babys" fool you. his sweet nothings are exactly that. they are much easier to say than I'm not that into you. Remember actions speak louder than words.
* If he is not calling you , it's because you are not on his mind.
* If he creates expectations for you, and then doesn't follow through on little things, he will do the same for big things. be aware of this and realize that he's okay with disappointing you.
* Don't be with someone who doesn't do what they say they are going to do.
* If he's choosing not to make a simple effort that would put you at ease and harmony to a recurring fight, then he doesn't respect your feelings or needs.
* 'Busy' is just another word for asshole, asshole is another word for the guy you are dating.
* You deserve a fucking phone call.
* He is just not that into you if he is not dating you, Remember hanging out is not dating, he may do all the things that a boyfriend does but never actually call you his girlfriend. beware of the word friend . It can be used by men that you love to excuse the most unfriendly behavior , Personally when I choose friends, I like the ones who don't make me cry myself to sleep.
* Better than nothing is not good enough for you.
* If you don't know where the relationship is going, it's okay to pull over and ask.
* Your lost self esteem may take longer to find than a new boyfriend , so prioritize accordingly.
* Cut him off. Let him miss you.
* He doesn't need to be reminded that you're great.
* There is a guy out there who's going to be really happy that you didn't get back together with your crappy ex- boyfriend.
* There is no mystery. he is gone and he wasn't good enough for you.
* unless he's all yours, he is still hers.
* You already have one asshole , you don't need another.