The Years, The Love, The Hours

I'll buy the flowers myself. I said, like Mrs. Dalloway. I left my tiny apartement, the one I always wanted, wooden floors, big library and jazz music playing constantly.
I go buy some books, the kind of books that pat on your back and tell you it's okay to be bad. it's okay to be evil. it's okay to be messed up. it's okay in general.
I will go read in the book i'm currently reading somewhere quiet. alone. loneliness has been drawing me like a magnet lately. I want to shake everyone off my back. I want to be alone. I need to be alone. I don't want to talk or discuss anything. I just want to sit there. Watch a movie or read a book .. or just sit. 
As my vocabulary expands, my will to talk seems to cease. I stopped replying to almost everyone I know. I don't pick up my phone. I mostly nod or smile whenever someone says anything to me. I am detaching from everyone I know, with no apparent reason. It's cruel walking away like that with no explanation. But I don't have the energy to explain anything, to anyone. 
I might go have lunch afterwards, alone. Just sit there, enjoyinga meal while gazing at strangers go on living, while I stopped. 
Life is not slipping away from me anymore, I am willingly letting it go now. With a smile. I don't want any connections with whosoever. I am growing more fragile by time and people don't get that I am not that goodd in keeping contact or being there for them. I know it is selfish of me to get into something the bailing on it and packing my things and run to something now and so on. But I can't help it. After a while they turn into a burden even if nothing changes, I just get tired and I just want to leave. I don't want to talk or listen. I always want to sit alone. read alone. eat alone. listen to some music. watch some movie and think about being with someone rather than being with them. 
Then go buy some flowers before going home, and go get a couple of wine bottles, one red and another white, and go home, cook a nice meal, and maybe make a cheese cake, and wait for one of my many sexual partners, a married guy who is so sad with his wife and finds comfort in my arms, a girl who doesn't love herself, and thinks she only feels it in the way i touch her and a guy, who is desperately in love with a girl who doesn't love him back. I keep thinking if I keep on giving parts of me to strangers, I might disappear one day. Without any pain. I will vanish into others. I will still live, but they will have to carry the burden of my existing. I don't know.

*********

I always imagine my suicide scene will have this as a soundtrack; And anytime you feel the pain, Hey jude refrain.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CfTrthOpKCA

و في سياق آخر, حطتني الدنيا قدام أول واحد حبيته و حبني في حياتي, ونا عندي 14 سنة, محمود, أكتشفنا إننا عرفنا بعض من عشر سنين, أتخرج هو, من نفس الكلية اللي دخلناها سوا لأن أنا أقنعته بيها بعد ما كان عايز يبقى هو مهندس, أتخرج و خطب واحدة زميلته أول السنة. أتخضيت, حسيتنا ايه ده, سألته, هو إحنا كبرنا أوي يا حودا كده و بقيت كبير و بتخطب, قاللي لأ, كل ما بكلمك بنرجع عيال تاني, المهم إطمنت عليه شويه, و كان كلامه حنين و طيب زيه, بس المرادي كان ع القد, بما إن بقى فيه واحدة ممكن تضايق من وجودي, واحدة متأكده أنه حاكيلها عني, بعد ما خلصنا كلام, وقفت و قولت يااه, مش لو مكنتيش سبتيه يا دينا كان زمانك معاه دلوقتي, خطيبته بقالك سنة و حبيبته من عشر سنين, بس رديت على نفسي, و قولت لو مكنتيش سبتيه زمان, كنتي هتتجوزيه خمس ست سنين و يصحى يوم ميلاقكيش. هو عادي و طبيعي بدرجة مريحة, و أنا العكس, بس فرحتله, عشان هو يستاهل يفرح, و يااه, عشر سنين بجد! مش عارفة

NA NA NA NANANANA HEY JUDE

NA NA NA NANANANA HEY JUDE  

NA NA NA NANANANA HEY JUDE 

NA NA NA NANANANA HEY JUDE